Wednesday, May 2, 2018

What is the Right Firearm to Trade for a Wedding Dress?

Asking for a friend. Or a stranger. Or maybe anyone who randomly owns a wedding dress they never wore and wants to trade it out for “the right firearm,” ‘cause that’s totes norms. 

Like is this the most Alaska buy-sell-trade ad EVER? Or is this person just kinda implying that something’s gone awry in the marriage and they wanna go Second Amendment on their spouse? 

By “more Alaskan attire” do they mean “fringe militia chic?” Like a cammo Tyvek suit, Doc Maartens, and/or a canteen held together with duct tape ala Idaho End Times? What is the “right firearm” to trade for an unworn, champagne-colored, lovely vintage lace wedding dress from Kevin’s Bridal?

I’m glad you asked, because I have a few ideas.

1. The Tommy Gun: Contrary to popular belief, this roarin’ 20s gangster gun favored by John Dillinger was not named after Tomi Lahren, but it easily fits the bill for “something old” to wear down the aisle!

2. The Colt .45: It doesn’t get more classic than this six-chamber single-action revolver. Every blushing bride should holster one on her wedding day, because you never know when you’ll need to stand your ground against a wedding crasher/drunk relative!

3. The AR-15: Sure it’s been used in every high profile mass shooting since Columbine, but a lot of people don’t know that AR stands for ArmaLite Rifle not Assault Rifle dumb libtard who cares about apostrophes and dead kids but not acronyms! Ya burnt!

4. The Beretta: Levi Johnston (‘member him?!) legit named one of his shorties after this sleek Italian firearm. You can’t get more Alaska than trading your wedding dress in for this puppy!

5. The Glock 19: According to the manufacturer’s website, the Glock 19 is “ideal for a more versatile role because of its reduced dimensions when compared to the standard sized option” and is “ideal for concealed carry or as a backup weapon.” Ideal for a backup weapon on your honeymoon, they forgot to say!


Glock 19 | G1

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