Saturday, May 26, 2018

These Old Timey Tobacco Ads are Giving Me LIFE Right Now!

I've been off the long-form blog post grid for a couple of days. My parents are visiting, the kids finished up school and are buried in end-of-school activities, I've been working a lot on my free time, and I've been super depressed about the latest Trump human rights violations: separating kids from their parents at the southern border and the ACLU report documenting these atrocities. It's like Trump's America is a failed state that conscripts child soldiers or something. I've only been able to manage a few tweets about it, that's how mad it makes me, though eventually I hope to gather my thoughts and write something longer.

So I welcomed a distraction from a friend of mine who works in tobacco cessation in the form of these COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL old timey tobacco ads. They're a little hard to read, so I've retyped them below with a few questions as follow up.

Should a gentleman offer a Tiparillo to a marine biologist? You're swimming along, admiring a purple parrot fish and a red coral reef when you spot something truly breathtaking. A pink leg. A marine biologist. Discovering new things under water. Maybe, you pause, she'd like to discover a Tiparillo? Or a Tipraillo M with menthol. She could classify them as the thin, elegant cigar with neat tip. Mild taste? Well . . . she'd have to try one, wouldn't she? But should you offer her one? Or shouldn't you? Think fast mate, your face mask is steaming up.


1. Why is a marine biologist working with no shirt on?
2. How do you know she's a marine biologist since you only have her pink leg to go on?
3. How do you have two (much less one) packs of cigarettes on you as you're swimming under water?
4. Won't they get wet?
5. Why would a marine biologist smoke at work?
6. Why is a marine biologist wearing makeup at work, under water?
7. Do you think the ocean is a pick-up bar?
8. What is she going to do with the butts when she's done smoking? 
9. Drop them in the water to poison the subjects of her research?
10. Did your mother drop you on your head?

Should a gentleman offer a Tiparillo to a violinist?  After a tough evening with the Beethoven crowd, she loves to relax and listen to her folk-rock records. Preferably, on your stereo. She's open-minded. So maybe tonight you offer her a Tiparillo? She might like it--the slim cigar with a white tip. Elegant. And, you dog, you've got both kinds on hand. Tiparillo Regular and new Tiparillo M with menthol--her choice of mild smoke or cold smoke. Well? Should you offer? After all, if she likes the offer, she might start to play. No strings attached.


1. Why does a classical violinist find "the Beethoven crowd" "tough"?
2. What do you mean by "open-minded?"
3. Like freaky in the sack, I assume?
4. What makes you a "dog?"
5. Having two types of cigarettes on hand, or just actually being a little bitch?
6. What do you mean by "she might start to play" with "no strings attached?" You mean down to fuck for one night, right?
7. Does she prefer Bob Dylan or Joni Mitchell--which is more fuckable?
8. How did you manage to get her into your apartment with this trash-ass game?
9. What if she DOESN'T like the offer?
10. Did your mother drop you on your head?

Dipping or smoking? Dipping. Why? Better for my sex life. What do you mean? While some are outside smoking, I'm inside working. It's really not work when you enjoy what you're doing. Skoal: Welcome to the Brotherhood. (Warning: This Product May Cause Mouth Cancer).


1. Is brown, tobacco-drenched saliva really better for your sex life?
2. Is your job getting mouth cancer?
3. Do you enjoy getting mouth cancer?
4. How is it a job if you actually pay to buy a product and it gives you cancer?
5. Do you think she likes the taste of brown, tobacco-drenched saliva?
6. Who is in this brotherhood? Other men with tobacco-drenched brown saliva and mouth cancer?
7. Is she paying any attention to you anyway?
8. What's up with that one raised eyebrow?
9. Do you really think chewing tobacco is going to lead to your getting fucked tonight?
10. Did your mother drop you on your head?

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