Wednesday, May 30, 2018

These Two Tweets are Going Down in Histor—

I didn’t actually finish the title of this blog post because I was banging my head against the wall while on Roseannebien and had amnesia for a second, but I think I meant to write that these two tweets are going down in history. 

When future civilizations study the fall of the American Empire, there will be entire chapters devoted to the two-day span in which the President of the United States met with Kim Kardashian to “discuss prison reform and sentencing” and the United States Geologic Survey somehow had to warn American citizens not to make s’mores over a volcano.

Even everything that’s happened since 11/9/16—which dare I say is more than enough—these two tweets alone offer enough of a reason for us to just totally pack it in as a country.

With the help of a hostile foreign power and a couple of billionaire tech bros, America elected a bankrupt pathological liar, illiterate sociopath, white supremacist, confessed sexual assailant, ex reality-television star to the highest office in the land. That person--who remarkably manages to embody all of these qualities at once--then invited serious public policy input from a person who embodies the concept of "famous for being famous," named her daughter after a direction on a compass, and is most renowned for publishing a coffee table book full of selfies of her own ass.

Not one day earlier, a bunch of scientists--all of whom must be beleaguered beyond measure by now--had to tell the American people not to roast marshmallows over an erupting volcano. In fairness, this warning was in response to an individual twitter user who asked if it was "safe to roast marshmallows over volcanic vents? Assuming you had a long enough stick, that is? Or would the resulting marshmallows be poisonous?" So there's no evidence anyone has actually done this.

Yet. YET.

Assuming I had a "long enough stick," the first thing I would do is jam it into one ear until it went through my brain and came out the other ear in order to recalibrate by IQ to that of the average American who thinks it's a good idea to stand on the edge of an erupting volcanic crater with a graham cracker, a Hershey Bar, and a Stay Pufft and yet ONLY worry that the "resulting marshmallow would be poisonous."

Basically these two tweets tell you everything you need to know about These Crazy Times.™  

Sorry, world, we tried. 

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