Tuesday, May 29, 2018

I Just Want a Sensory Deprivation Chamber in My House is That Too Much to Ask?!

Is it? No really. Is it? I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have a sensory deprivation chamber installed in my house. In fact, if the United States was a truly just society, the government would issue one of these puppies to every new parent. Like, they wouldn’t let you leave the hospital without a car seat or a sensory deprivation tank. 

I’m pretty sure they have this in Finland or Sweden you guys. Or maybe it’s Denmark. It’s definitely one of those Scandinavian countries where everyone looks like Heidi Klum, the streets are paved with paid maternity leave, and unpasteurized cheese and ABBA vinyl are easier to find than an AK-47.

If you have kids, you know: You want your ears closed deaf as a doornail to the sound of their shrieks and fighting and YouTube channels. You want the smells of their socks and craps out of your nose. You don’t want to see whatever mess it is they’re making with slime or Legos or nail polish. You want to be like those three little “see no evil” monkeys. Not forever. Just for like 10 minutes at a time every hour or so.

You want—no, you NEED—a sensory deprivation tank.

Isn’t that a reasonable request for a parent to make? Maybe not. After all, why should society bear the cost of my selfish decision to put two more humans on the ever-straining planet? It shouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean an isolation tank shouldn’t be an expectation akin to basic child care and a clean place to breastfeed in public.

Uncle Sam in conjunction with the Elon Musk of parenting (whoever he or she is) would make sure everyone got a soundproof, lightless tank filled with salt water set to the exact temperature of the human skin.

Really. It’s not too much to ask.

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