Friday, May 11, 2018

I Will Not Be Fully Woke Until Every Square Inch of My Body is Covered in Glitter

This is the conclusion I’m starting to reach you guys. 

Glitter pits. Glitter bush. Glitter eye makeup. Glitter sunglasses. Ship your enemies glitterGlitter glitter glitter glitter GLITTER. Fucking glitter is everywhere. According to the internet, Glitter Pits are a BFD summer 2018 style and "the latest feminist beauty trend to make you sparkle."


As I mentally, physically, and financially prepare for my first bikini wax of the summer season emerging from the long, dark, hairy winter, I'm forced to reconsider and just let myself turn into the gorilla that nature intended me to be. 

But first, a quick trip to JoAnn Fabrics for a gallon of silver glitter. Because glitter, my fellow bitchez, is the key to wokeness. 

So we lost the Presidency. So old white dudes with Mayflower last names, six ex-wives, and turkey neck waddle to rival your grandma's stuffed Thanksgiving Butterball are still trying to pass laws in our vaginas. So we're still getting a dick in our face at work and the dudes who whipped out their dicks only have to sit out a couple months in the #MeToo corner with a dunce hat on before everyone starts feeling sorry for them again and gives them a show on cable or a column in the newspaper or a book deal. So we still make 70 cents on the Dude Dollar™. So there are literally fewer of us running big companies than DUDES NAMED JOHN.

Let all that marinate for a second. Especially the John thing. I'll wait. Ready? Okay.

But Reba McEntire is Colonel Sanders in drag and we can dip our pubes in glitter to make them less disgusting to men and Insta-ready and Coachella-friendly and HAWT AF.

Look people. I'm the first person to admit that I have an issue with hair. A very non-feminist issue. I don't like it. Not one bit. I spend a lot of time and money depilating myself in all sorts of ways. With lotions. With razors. With wax. I do not like it on my legs. I do not like it on my brows. I do not like it in my pits. I do not like it on my face. I do not like that thick black hair, I do not like it anywhere. I could literally write the Green Eggs and Ham of hair removal, and it's all because I'm conforming to a patriarchal standard of beauty and am 100% part of the problem. I can fully admit that.

But is GLITTER really the answer? Like does glitter really advance the cause of feminism any more than just shaving in the first place? I'm not so sure.

In the meantime, I'm going to write "Black Hair and Glitter," with apologies to Dr. Seuss.

Would you like it here or there?
I would not like it here or there
I would not like it anywhere
I do not like black hair and glitter
Despite that it's a trend on twitter.

Would you like it
In your pits?
Would you call 
Your waxing quits?

I do not like it in my pits
I do not want to call it quits
I do not like it
In my pits
I will not call my waxing quits.
I do not like that thick black hair
I do not like it anywhere.

Would you put glitter
On your box?
Just to look
Like a young fox?

Not on my box
Like a young fox
Not in my pits
To call it quits

I do not like that thick black hair
I do not like it anywhere!

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