Thursday, October 20, 2016

O.H.M.'s 6 Step Guide to Being "Such a Nasty Woman"

I don't know anything about important matters of state. But I do know a lot about being a nasty woman. A whole lot. That's why I was thrilled when Donald Trump muttered during last night's third (and thankfully last) presidential debate that Hillary Clinton is "such a nasty woman." What an amazing, inadvertent compliment!

It might have been after she called him "Putin's Puppet," or it could have been right after she offered a long, boring, complicated analysis of mid-east conflict, to which Trump replied with the observation that "Mosul is SAD." 

I don't remember. I do, however, know how to be suuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a nasty woman, and here is a step-by-step guide:

Step 1: Smell really gross stuff out of curiosity: Whether it's a sponge on the edge of the kitchen sink, your children's dirty clothes, the back of an earring, or last week's festering salmon in a Pyrex on the third shelf of your refrigerator, there's nothing nastier than taking a deep, long huff of super gross stuff out of curiosity and seeing whether you gag or not.

Step 2: Eat in bed whenever you feel like it: Forget leading by example, and ignore the pleas of your spouse. YOLO SISTAH! You deserve to eat popcorn, cheerios, and Fudgecicles (TM) in bed. Own that shit.

Step 3: Floss in the car on the way to work; have Halloween candy for breakfast: Who has time to floss in the morning, much less eat breakfast? Not you, Little Miss Nasty! Grab a roll of dental floss out of your purse, and start flossing. Crumple up the used floss in a little waxy ball and flick it somewhere into the void of your car. Then dine out on York peppermint patties and Fun Size Reese's peanut butter cups 15 minutes later because October. Finish it off with a giant spoon of peanut butter straight out of the jar and stick the spoon back in your desk drawer without washing it. SLAY, BITCH!

Step 4: Start a blog and curse constantly: Write a blog where every other word is "shit," "fuck," "vibrator," and "vagina." You'll be internet famous for your nastiness in NO TIME.

Step 5: Make an art out of delivering the side-eye: There is a fine art to the side-eye, and when nastily deployed it can be very effective at getting the world to see things your way. Rolling your eyes and talking back to anyone and everyone in the face of abject stupidity and crushing mediocrity is the best way to cement your rep as a NASTY ASS SKANK.

Step 6: Defy expectations: This one's important, so listen up. 
  • Don't do and say what they want and expect you to do and say. 
  • Defy expectations. 
  • Be assertive. 
  • Be confident in your opinions. 
  • Trust your gut. 
  • Say no to more bullshit, yes to more opportunities, and sorry less frequently.
  • You're not a fraud, and you're not an imposter. 
  • Don't let anyone gaslight you. 
  • Get shit done. 
  • Draw boundaries and stick to them. 
  • Advocate for yourself, because no one else will. 
  • Wear makeup and a short skirt if you want to. Or don't. But do it (or don't do it) for yourself. 
  • Question authority. 
  • Question people's demands and assumptions of you. 
  • You don't have to be a "lady" and you don't have to be "classy." Not being a classy lady doesn't make you a cunt or a slut. It makes you a person. 
  • You are more than the sum of your anatomy and your sexuality. Repeat after me: You. Are. Human. First. 
  • Read Shakespeare or binge-watch Real Housewives of New York. It doesn't matter.
  • You don't always have to please other people and accommodate them, and you don't have to be defensive when someone disagrees with you. 
  • Disarm them strategically, but they don't all have to like you. In fact, you're winning if they don't. 
  • You can please yourself and accommodate yourself first. It's okay. 
  • You can be "such a nasty woman." And believe me, that's good enough.


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