Monday, October 17, 2016

Back in MY Day, You Got Your Temperature Taken Up the ASS!

Have you had your temperature taken at a hospital or doctor's office recently? It's right out of Star Trek. They zip a little wand across your forehead, and then "boop-beep-bip-beep-boop zing! 98.6." It kinda makes you feel nostalgic (?) for the days when checking your temperature was literally an ass ream.

Remember that? I assume most of you do. 

It wasn't so very long ago (or maybe it was) when a day off from school meant you'd better be ready to take one up the ass. Your mom would ask if you were really feeling sick, and then call your bluff with a glass thermometer full of mercury and lubed up in off-brand Vaseline. 

I can see vividly in my mind's eye that giant jar of generic "petroleum jelly" with a faded blue label peeling off of it. I recall the few occasions when my mom accidentally dropped and shattered the thermometer on the turquoise linoleum of our cramped rail-car style NYC apartment kitchen, and I'd crawl after the little balls of mercury, poking them with my finger and watching them separate and bounce away.

These kids today, man. They don't know how good they have it. 

Show me ONE millennial who's ever played bare-handed with liquid mercury or had anything shoved up their ass as a component of legitimate parental health care, as opposed to some experimental 50 Shades S&M dungeon-type shit.

THIS is why America is on the decline. It's chock full of pussies who grew up with a Jetsons-style temperature-taking system instead of a violating rectal probe.

Make America Take One Up the Ass Again!

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