Thursday, October 6, 2016

6 Processed Foods You Know Are Good for You Because a Nice Lady Made Them

If you want to feed your family healthy, nutritious, and organic processed foods rather than regular old processed foods, make sure the processed foods you buy were processed by a nice lady! 

Here are six great suggestions for delicious lady-foods that you know will never let you down because again, a nice lady made them for you in her very own kitchen.

1. Annie's Mac & Cheese: There is no way someone named Annie with a bunny for a mascot would ever do anything to poison you or your children. You don't even have to read the ingredients. Does it involve someone named Annie? Does it have the words "organic" or "totally natural" on the box somewhere near a picture of a cute wittle bunny wabbit? If the answers to these questions are yes, look no further. Make a box for your kids and eat it straight out of the pot before they get a single bite.

2. Barbara's Puffins: Have you ever met a lady named Barbara who wasn't a librarian, a school nurse, or the muse for a Beach Boys song? I didn't think so. So let me ask you: would Barbara and her cute little puffin bird put cereal in your bowl that wasn't going to help you live cancer-free for 99 years? Of course not!

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3. Amy's Burritos: Just forget about the fact that no one named "Amy" ever made an authentic burrito in her life. Whoever Amy is, she is gringo AF. But her frozen black bean and vegetable burrito is totes better for you than anything you can get at Taco Bell even though it tastes ten times worse. That you can count on!

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4. Glenny's Marshmallow Treats: Don't eat a regular white Rice Krispy treat from the gas station convenience store when you could eat a brown one made by Glenny. Glenny is your great aunt, and Great Aunt Glenny would never let you eat yellow #5 . . . right, Glenny?

Image result for glenny's organic food

5. Ruth's Hummus: Ruth is the name of someone in the bible, and Hummus comes from the Holy Land of Israel and Nazareth. It would be pure blasphemy not to eat this hummus. Ruth is also my grandma's name, and Ruth doesn't just sign off on any old shitty mass-produced hummus. "WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!"

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6. Ella's Baby Food: This baby food comes from someone's "kitchen." Someone named "Ella" (NOT Fitzgerald) who writes her name in cutesey kindergarten font, shoves a pear into a Vitamix, stuffs it into a little plastic feeding pouch for your precious bundle of joy to slurp down in a stroller at the zoo before throwing it into a giant garbage can on the way to the parking lot where it will fester for a week until it goes into the landfill forever. Yay Ella!

Image result for organic baby food

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