Monday, October 31, 2016

11 Ways 2016 is Just Like a Horror Movie

Even with the country as divided as it is right now, I think most of us can agree on one thing: 2016 has been a shit year. A horror show, if you will. (Will you?) So in honor of Halloween, I think it's apt to draw some obvious analogies between this year and your typical horror movie tropes:

1. Mass murder: There have been 399 mass shootings so far, so, um, lots of people got murdered.

2. Found footage: Terrifying "found footage" has played a key role. Specifically, the Access Hollywood "bus tape" is highly reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project. And we may never know what's on those secret Apprentice outtakes. 

3. Women and minorities dropping like flies: Somehow, all the female and minority characters are getting fucked with the most and/or knocked out of the cast first.

4. Back from the dead?: "Email gate" proves we are definitely now at that point in the film where you think the villain is dead and he gets up and tries to kill you one more time.

5. Creepy clowns: Creepy clown sightings. 'Nuff said.

6. Pumpkinhead: Like the eponymous 1989 slasher flick, a ghastly orange ghoul with a hollowed-out pumpkin for a head keeps popping up everywhere, screaming, yelling, and threatening to physically assault people.

7. Sewn mouths: I'm noticing a lot of Dia de los Muertos cosplay this year. Some might argue this is culturally insensitive or just the opposite, but regardless, one thing is for sure: Mexican-Americans would probably like to see even more people with their mouths sewn shut than on Dia de los Muertos in prior years.

8. The mirror take: Urban legend has it that if you say "Make America Great Again" ten times in the mirror this year, David Duke will appear in your living room.

9. Something died in this houseThe White House is coming perilously close to becoming one of those creepy "someone or something died here" haunted houses, with that something being American democracy as we know it.

10. Crazy scientists ignored at humanity's peril: Crazy scientists keep showing everyone charts saying we're all gonna burn to death and no one is listening.

11. The phone calls: Robo-calls are coming from INSIDE YOUR HOUSE!

Image result for pumpkinhead image

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