Sunday, October 2, 2016

Lifestyles are Hobbies for Douchebags

I've been too afraid to update my iOS software because every time I do, I end up on hold with Apple Tech support for a week. So I don't know whether the much-needed "vomit emoji" has yet been added to the vast catalogue of emoji options. I can only hope it has been, for truly I find myself more often in need of this emoji than any other.

And one of the many, many things that makes me want to hold my thumb down on the barf emoji until there are 10 single spaced lines of barf emoji faces in all my online writings is the use of the word "lifestyle" when the thing that's being described is a fucking hobby.

I get that people who have "lifestyles" don't want to be associated with people who have "hobbies." After all, people who have "hobbies" look like Cindy from accounting. They have mullets with frosted tips and nuke a Lean Cusine every day for lunch. Their cubicles are adorned with doilies and ceramic angel babies. They shop at the Dress Barn and Hobby Lobby (not Lifestyle Lobby)--that store the Supreme Court said could invoke the teachings of Jesus to refuse to sell feather boas and glitter to gay peeps. (Bad business model, Hobby Lobby!)

People with "lifestyles" on the other hand are zealous bike commuters who drink pour-over coffee and have a yoga mat under their arm every time they walk through the door of their local artisanal mayo store. Maybe their hobbies are hipster hobbies like craft beer, beard grooming, DJ'ing, and cribbage played in a dive bar. But they are still hobbies, not "lifestyles."

Lifestyles are just what douchebags call their hobbies, because they like to think they have nothing in common with Cindy from Accounting. 

Sorry, d-bags, but I've got some bad news for you. You're Cindy. You. Are. Cindy.

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