Thursday, October 20, 2016

I'm Just Waiting for My Kid's Teacher to Write a Letter That Will Go Viral on the Internet

I'm just a mom. A mom with two kids, standing in front of the internet. And I'm waiting for a letter to come home in one of my kid's backpacks that I can photograph with my iPhone and then post on social media in the hopes that it will go viral and everyone will be totally obsessed with it for two days.

Parents everywhere will be like, "OMG did you see that letter from that teacher yesterday about that thing?! It was like, all over Facebook? Cuh-raaazeee, riiiight?!" And then I can be all like, "I never expected this to happen . . . "

That's really my life's dream. 

It will be like winning the lottery, but unfortunately with zero money and for two days instead of forever. I don't really care what the note is about, as long as it promises to create some super mega-vi content that basically breaks the internet, gets tweeted and shared on FB over 500K times by celebrities with millions of followers, and gets picked up by Huffpost Parents, Scary Mommy, Buzzfeed, Vice, or Mashable.

I want to see click-bait headlines from these sites with titles like "This Teacher Never Guessed Her Letter About [BLANK] Would Go Viral." I mean, can you imagine? Maybe it will even spawn a few hastily-drafted think pieces from legit semi-famous bloggers and columnists for Slate or something. 

What a rush!

Although I have approximately zero control over whether or not this happens, I must confess that each day I open up the green folder in each of my children's backpacks and feel a crushing disappointment when all I see is another field trip permission slip or a Scholastic book order form. 

What I'm really looking for from my kids' teachers (HINT HINT my kids' teachers) is a letter that says something super profound about how homework isn't cool and my kids aren't getting any more of it because we should be eating dinner at the dinner table and spending meaningful time together. (We all eat standing up in the kitchen and screaming at each other, homework or not, but that won't stop this letter from fucking lighting up the interwebs).

I don't even care if it means something bad or traumatizing just happened to my kid, as long as it's not too bad or traumatizing. Like maybe they were sent home for some sexist or racist or homophobic reason or something that's reflected in the letter and the teacher will look really stupid and small-minded and incite public outrage/shaming and get fired (or at least placed on paid administrative leave pending a full investigation). 


That would only increase the possibility of this letter from my kid's teacher literally exploding the internet into a mass of ashes from which the phoenix of viral content shall rise triumphantly for the next 48-72 hours.

Today is my lucky day. I just know it.

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