Monday, January 26, 2015

Pregnant Paws: A One-of-a-Kind Business Opportunity

I've always felt that a totes genius business idea for the ultimate bourgeois yuppie store is a dog and cat maternity boutique called "Pregnant Paws." 

However, subsequent online research reveals that the domain is already taken, belonging to a company whose sole mission is to help you prepare your pet for the arrival of your baby. 

For a mere $34.95, you can order a "Pregnant Paws Baby Preparation Kit" that includes "a CD with sounds of a baby crying and babbling" and a baby blanket to "introduce the scent of your newborn." This high-value kit also "introduces the smell of baby lotion, wash and shampoo to your animal." The website does not specify how it introduces this latter set of smells, specifically, why you can't just stick a bottle of those items under your pet's nose. 

The website also does not explain why you can't just go on YouTube and play baby sounds for your pet and/or let your pet sniff one of the 1,000 baby blankets people have already given you, instead of the one additional blanket that comes in this kit. 

To be sure, the kit also includes "helpful tips to prepare your pet and home for the arrival of your child." But ultimately, the website fails to explain how this "kit" contains literally anything you can't buy at CVS for 80% less money and/or find online for free.

Clearly, targets First World parents who have simply run out of shit to buy for their baby and are now stretching the slowly atrophying tentacles of their minds ever further to locate something--anything--else to buy or think about when it comes to doing that thing that happens 361,481 times per day on earth. I mean, there are Mongolian mothers living in yurts who happily squirt their baby out right next to a goat. There you go: pet prepared, end of story.

In any event, this market is clearly not saturated. So I'm talking about something even better and WAY more First World. An actual maternity store FOR your pregnant pet called "Pregnant Paws." Happily and somewhat miraculously, such a thing does NOT yet seem to exist!

The store would be located in Bushwick or Williamsburg, Brooklyn (obviously), and would have everything you could possibly need for your pregnant cat or dog, from maternity sweaters, to newborn puppy and kitten onesies, to neo-natal pet vitamins, to eight-nippled breast pumps and baby Mozart tapes specifically designed for canine and feline baby bumps. I mean, seriously. You can't welcome a litter of kittens or puppies in Brooklyn that have NOT been exposed to Mozart in utero and expect to walk down the street with your head held high.

So here's the good news: is not taken yet, and there MIGHT be retail space left that is not yet occupied by an artisanal mayonnaise store. Come on, people. Who's with me? If artisanal mayo can ride the gentrification wave without crashing against the reef of supply and demand economics, surely Pregnant Paws can too?

Note the sad face of the dog in the photo below. Don't you think she would look SO much happier in a hand-made cable knit sweater from Pregnant Paws? I mean, her nudity is demeaning. This is our chance to be rich and famous! Partner with me while you still can.

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