Wednesday, January 21, 2015

"Juneau Got Boat"

"Juneau Got Boat" (To the Tune of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot).


Oh, my, GOD. Becky, look at that BOAT
It is so … BIG.
It looks like one of those floating hotels
But, you know, who understands those cruise ship companies?
They only come here, because, like, the state gives them a sick deal, 'kay?
I mean, that boat … it’s just so BIG.
I can't believe it's just so TALL, it's like, out there, I mean—gross. Look!
It’s just so...HUGE

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]

I like big BOATS and I cannot lie!
You other locals can't deny
That when the “X” floats in with a zillion tourists on it
And their money in your face
You get sprung, and suppress disgust
‘Cause you notice that cash was stuffed
Deep in the ponchos they wearin’
You broke and you can’t stop starin’
Oh baby, I wanna take you to the glacier
And take your picture
Before it melts
This crowd is nuts-to-butts outrageous
Norovirus is contagious
You say you wanna’ get on my tour bus?
Well, use me, use me
Cause you ain’t that average tourist
I seen ‘em bookin’
Across the street without lookin’
They young, old
Crazy for these views like Solange Knowles
I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ small boats are the thing
Take the average Alaskan and ask him that
They gotta’ pack much boat
So, locals (Yeah!) Locals! (Yeah!)
Has your dock got “Norwegian Pearl” (Hell yeah!)
Tell ‘em to dock it (Dock it!) Dock it! (Dock it!)
Dock that GIANT BOAT
Juneau got BOAT!

Juneau got BOAT!

(Carnival stern with Celebrity bow)
(Carnival stern with Celebrity bow)

I like 'em tall, and big
Like an offshore rig
I just can't help myself, though they actin' like animals
Droppin’ sewage in the channel
I wanna get you ashore
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout a trawler
'Cause them boats ain't made for ballers
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that shore excursion
I don't have an aversion
Can I get a witness?
Juneau beggin’ for a piece of that bidness!
So I'm lookin' at brochures
Small boats frontin’ like John Muir
You can have them rafts
I'll keep my boats like Flo Jo
A word to the big cruise industry, I wanna get with ya
I won't tax or reg ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna FUCK
Till the break of dawn
Holland America got it goin' on
A lot of hippies won't like your smog
'Cause them greenies like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the business on
So, tourists! (Yeah!) tourists! (Yeah)
If you wanna roll in my random taxi (Yeah!)
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even hippies gotta shout
Juneau got BOAT!

Juneau got BOAT!
Yeah, baby... when it comes to boats, Nat Geo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection.
36-24-36? Ha ha, only if it’s 1,000 feet!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]

So your girlfriend rolls a kayak, Patagonia on her jacket
But a kayak ain't got a motor in the back of its stern
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buffets, hun
You can take a skiff or ferry
But please don't lose that boat.
Some locals wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that your boat ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So the hippies say you fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your carbon footprint is big and your waste is kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the sustainable boats in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a cruise ship, I can't resist it
On-deck pools and waterslides didn't miss it
Some guy from SEACC tried to diss it
'Cause his boats are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So locals, if a boat's in town
And you want a triple $$$ throw-down,
Dial 1-900-SPEND-A-LOT
And buy some Tanzanite!
Juneau got BOAT!
Juneau got BOAT!

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