Thursday, January 29, 2015

Four Movies Lots of People Love, But That Make Me Vomit, and Why

Ghost (1990): Patrick Swayze plays the ghost of Demi Moore's sexy dead husband. One night, Patrick is accosted and murdered on a subway platform by a thug sent at the behest of Patrick’s colleague, whose embezzlement shenanigans Patrick has recently discovered. Needless to say, Patrick's murder gives Demi a major case of the sads. It's OK though, because at some point, Patrick inhabits the body of Whoopi Goldberg, who plays a psychic, and Whoopi and Demi have a romantic slow-dance during the channeling event. There's also a scene where Demi and Patrick bone while throwing a pot and messing around with clay and it is BEYOND the heights of nauseating. A series of bullshit occurs wherein Patrick has to do all this stuff to avenge his own death, otherwise his ghost cannot R.I.P. Naturally, everything works out OK in the end: Demi finally sees Patrick's ghost and the bad guys lose and Patrick can go towards the light. 

Reasons Ghost makes me vomit: clay-based sex; Demi/Whoopi slow dance; abounding supernatural cliches.

The English Patient (1996): I was relieved when Seinfeld rightly lampooned this chunk of fuckery back in the mid-90’s. Everyone was sucking this movie’s dick like it was the second coming of Christ and it was seriously terrible. I don’t even remember what happened in this movie really, other than that it's a World War II period piece in which a Canadian nurse keeps wiping Ralph Fiennes’ brow and starts humping on a Sikh soldier in the British army. They take a couple of showers in an outdoor shower together, and in the end the nurse euthanizes Ralph Feinnes with morphine 'cause he asks her to. That's basically the long and the short of it.

Reasons The English Patient makes me vomit: period piece; corny shower sex; nurse/patient relationship and suspension of disbelief required to accept euthanasia finale; complete market saturation during theatrical release.

Regarding Henry (1991): Harrison Ford plays a slick, narcissistic, and unethical Bonfire-of-the-Vanities type Manhattan cowboy lawyer dickhead who's living a life of Park Avenue luxury with his socialite trophy wife and their tween daughter. It takes getting shot in the head at a bodega to turn Harrison into less of an asshole. Suddenly, he is a really nice guy and he realizes the guy he was before he got shot in the head was a huge dick. His law firm lets him come back, but his failure to be a dick post-traumatic brain injury leaves the partners unimpressed, and they only let him do shit like number discovery documents with a Bates stamper. At this point, Henry doesn’t want to be a lawyer anymore! Not only that, but he realizes he had an extramarital affair in his pre-shot-in-the-head days and totally dicked over the plaintiff in his last case before the shooting. At the end, he retrieves his daughter from boarding school because now he is also BFF’s with the kid he previously ignored in favor of billable hours and wants to spend quality time with her. 

Reasons Regarding Henry makes me vomit: lawyers; trite plot-line about What Really Matters in Life; a frighteningly realistic-looking and permanently traumatizing scene of getting shot in the head.

Jerry McGuire (1996): In this feel-good movie and multiple Oscar (tm) sweeper, real-life Scientologist and certified stunt-queen/wing-nut Tom Cruise stretches very far to play a douchebag sports agent who decides to put his foot down about dishonesty in sports management and leave his big firm. He announces his departure in a giant spectacle in the lobby and is all like, "Who's with me?" But he gets the major slow clap, and only a 26 year-old single mom played by professional squinter Renee Zelwegger goes with him. She tries to help Tom keep his career from going tits up by getting into an imbalanced power-dynamic sugar-daddy type relationship with him. Then Tom starts to Disneyland Dad her nauseatingly cute son who looks like a human slow loris. This movie also spawned a series of SUPER annoying quotes that everyone kept saying for years like, “Show me the money!” and “You had me at ‘Hello.’” 

Reasons Jerry McGuire makes me vomit: Tom Cruise; contrived cuteness-in-glasses; “Show me the money”; “You had me at ‘Hello.’; did I mention Tom Cruise.

A still from the aforementioned clay-pot-throwing-boning scene. This is neither her nor there, but WTF is up with Patrick's bangs?

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