Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Finger on the Pulse

For those of you who've been waiting with baited breath, it seems (shockingly) that The Huffington Post has declined to print my retort to "They Should've Warned Me" (See prior post titled: They Should've Warned Me Not to Read the Huffington Post).

Readers may recall that the inspiration for that post was Jenny, the accomplished Selfie-Photographer/Yoga Teacher, and the unbelievably awesome time she is reportedly having in Newborn Baby La-La Land.

Instead, The Huffington Post printed a much, much kinder retort from someone who is A Bigger Person Than Me and who was able to express a similar sentiment to mine, but with significantly less snark and vitriol: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephanie-sprenger/im-glad-someone-told-me_b_6498148.html.

Interestingly, after sympathizing with those of us who failed to cherish nursing at 3:00 a.m., this author simply could not resist pointing out that (heh, heh), of course she, personally, also had zero problems whatsoever with this stage: ("I'm going to be honest here: the three months after my second daughter was born were maybe the happiest of my entire life."), thereby summarily undermining the central conceit and credibility of her entire piece.

Well, I'm also going to be honest here: earnestness and sincerity are both boring and unfunny.

Accordingly, I offer you the following as consolation. Today, I failed to heed my own warning and skimmed The Huffington Post during lunch. It was then I discovered that this periodical really has its finger on the pulse of the important issues of the day. If their 89 point font bold headline banners don't convince you of that, this article should:

It is called--AND I SHIT YOU NOT--"Thankfully, Someone is Preserving a History of Wallpaper" (Italics in original): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/20/wallpaper-history_n_6465970.html?utm_hp_ref=huffpost-home&ir=HuffPost+Home.

Now, it's not immediately apparent whether The Huffington Post and The Onion share an editor, as there's scant evidence of that beyond the title of this article. It's also not apparent whether this article is in fact satire, but all signs point to no. And I know what you're thinking, but this is not sour grapes for The Huffington Post's failure to recognize my own blogging genius (so far).

Really, I think we can all be relieved that: (a) Someone [sic.] is preserving a history of wallpaper; and that (b) The Huffington Post is hot on the trail of this story and drawing attention to this critical issue. 

Accordingly, my future ideas for five new pitches to The Huffington Post are as follows:
  • "I'm Glad Facebook Keeps Trying to Make Me Buy K.Y.-Brand Vaginal Lubricant." 
  • "It's a Good Thing Dr. Scholl's Was Sufficient to Remove My Child's Plantar Wart." 
  • "Fortunately, Greek Yogurt is Now On Sale for $3.00 at Fred Meyer." 
  • "What a Relief it is That Starbucks Now Carries Almond Milk." 
  • "Thank Heavens I Found the Missing Attachment to My Dyson Vacuum Cleaner." 
Surely they will jump on one of these?

1 comment:

  1. HA HA HAAAAA!! Thank you for calling HuffPo out on their vapid, inane, and way-too-long headlines! And they are idjits for not printing you. Someday, my friend.


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