Thursday, June 16, 2016

My Cup Runneth Over With Babes: SBWWM 2.0 Has Arrived!

Okay, NOW this is getting ridiculous. 

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? And by the real Slim Shady, I mean the O.H.M. fan who keeps having bodacious, brave, sexy window washer babes delivered to my office for me to ogle in the sunshine!

Just peep this fine specimen. Whoever sent this SBWWM-o-Gram to me knows my taste in men runs decidedly toward the "works-with-his-hands-slash-smells-like-BO-slash-just-got-out-of-the-woods" vibe, and this fella with his pony tail and bandanna certainly fits the bill. 

I thought nothing could top SBWWM. But now SBWWM 2.0 is here, and frankly SBWWM is starting to feel like a first generation iPhone. I'm going to donate him to a nonprofit in Ghana, renew my contract, and replace him with SBWWM 2.0, who is for realsies the iPhone 6 plus with fingerprint recognition passcode unlock

And lemme tell you: SBWWM 2.0 can swipe to unlock my fingerprint-recognized passcode enn-eee-tiiime. BOOM!

I was ill-advisedly eating an entire 16 ounce bag of Rainier cherries with my lunch and spitting the pits directly into my office trash can when I heard the bang-bang-clang of a SBWWM outside my office window. 

Could it be? He's back again? But my windows were just cleaned yesterday? All the more evidence that this is not--as some fools have suggested--a service contracted by the State of Alaska Department of Administration to perform routine maintenance on state owned and leased facilities, but rather a gift to me from my readers who know how much I love man candy.

The real Slim Shady must have read my earlier post about Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy totes wanting to be my boyfriend, so he or she figured they'd send Jax some competition. SO THOUGHTFUL! C'mon, don't be a hero. Reveal yourself!

Seriously I want Jax, SBWWM, and SBWWM 2.0 to star in a remake of Magic Mike where all three fight over me and reject 100 basic bitches for the privilege of being my boyfriend forever and ever. Each of them will court me individually and relentlessly like I was Carrie Mulligan in Far from the Madding Crowd. And each of them will weep inconsolably as they enter a deep depression from which only my reciprocated affections can rescue them and make them whole.

SBWWM 2.0: You've been warned!

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