Thursday, June 23, 2016

Jon Bon Swayze, Hot Felon, Fuckable Felons, and a Public Service Announcement

If you haven't heard of "Hot Felon," you've been living under a rock for the past year, and all I can say is you're lucky I'm here to school you on Jeremy Meeks

Jeremy Meeks, a.k.a. "Hot Felon," (Fig. 1, left) is a . . . um . . . 32 year-old felon from Stockton, CA whose mug shot went viral in 2014 due to his objectively perfect skin, eyes, lips, and bone structure. (I won't mention his teeth, but suffice it to say there's a reason his mouth is closed in every pic). Anyway, it wasn't long before Hot Felon, recently released from prison after serving a 27-month sentence on gang-related weapons charges, found an agent, graced the cover of GQ, and will presumably put at least some of his modeling proceeds toward cosmetic dental work.

Hot Felon came up in conversation during a bar (booze, not lawyers) outing with several MILFs, while we were doing what MILFs do best: Cackling like hyena hags into our $12 cocktails about things like fuckable felons and Jon Bon Swayze.

I've probably lost you by now, so let me explain.

The subject of Hot Felon begs a philosophical question--a sort of "Scruples Junior," if you will: What makes for a fuckable felon? Well, in addition to being physically attractive, a fuckable felon's fuckability is largely determined by the nature of his felony, with the consummate example being the fictional Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy, as I discussed several days ago. 

Jax (we learn early on in the series) has a deep, principled, and instinctive reverence and respect for women and children. He gently cradles babies, makes sweet sweet luuuuuuuuuuuuurv to his #1 bae, and is extremely solicitous of his mother. All his felonies relate either to guns, drugs, and dirt bags. Not in a million years would Jax even dream of doing violence to anyone except another adult male criminal who 100% deserved it, and yes, he's caught up in thug life, but reluctantly. 

From everything I can find on the internet--which is always 100% reliable and accurate except for on April Fool's Day-- Jeremy Meeks is the closest thing out there to a living Jax Teller with respect to his felonious fuckability. And bonus: They're both from Cali!

Anyhoo, this was the consensus our mini-MILF crew had drawn, when we spied from the corner of our collective eye a waiter/bar-tender with man-highlights who was definitely rocking a style perhaps best described as a cross between Jon Bon Jovi and Patrick Swayze. 

He was wearing his hair down, at which point he resembled Bon Jovi circa 1989. Later, we noticed he'd pulled it up into a pony tail, at which time he was more reminiscent of Patrick Swayze in Point Break or Road House (no one can touch Swayze in Dirty Dancing). He was also wearing black, leather, and/or black leather. It was hard to tell from our vantage point.

Either way, Jon Bon Swayze's style game was tight, and it made us wish there was an app like Shazam, which identifies songs, except for people--like you could take a pic of someone's face and instantly pull up their Instagram and Facebook accounts. 

We had to know who Jon Bon Swayze really was!

Men whose attention to their clothes and hair is sufficient to inspire a blog post are not exactly a common sight in Juneau, so I assume it's only a matter of time before Jon Bon Swayze is officially outed. Accordingly, I will end with a PSA and a promise:

Jon Bon Swayze: If you are reading this and your sense of humor is as good as your hair, please get in touch with me so I can interview you for a special O.H.M. "Style & Fashion" feature. I will prepare a list of burning style questions that you can answer and I will re-post--in your own words--as a special guest style blogger.

Jeremy Meeks/Hot Felon: if you're reading this, please confirm (for my own peace of mind) that you are truly a fuckable felon as defined above.

Thank You and GOOD DAY, SIRS!

Fig. 1: Jeremy Meeks (a.k.a. Hot Felon) and Jon Bon Jovi circa 1989

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