Thursday, June 23, 2016

Keebler Elf Stops Baking Homemade Cookies, Starts Making Homemade Bombs

This fine citizen is William Keebler, age 57, who was criminally charged in a Utah federal court this week after attempting to detonate homemade bombs at a federal Bureau of Land Management building in Arizona. 

The sociopathic-looking Keebler Elf was pissed about the governmint (chocolate chip) mismanaging public lands; a position he reinforced in Oregon through his support of the Bundy-led militia also known colloquially to an amused internet as "Vanilla ISIS." (Recall that Vanilla ISIS begged for snacks, and now we know who provided them).

All appearances to the contrary notwithstanding, Keebler is of course not a terrorist hell-bent on destroying Our Way of Life, because, well, just look at him! He is a Good Christian Soldier, and his improvised explosive devices planted on federal property are just meant to prove a point about bad government policy and actually restore our way of life.

Get it? 

But that's not why I'm covering the fascinating story of Mr. Keebler. What I'm most interested in is the answer to this question: 

Why did Keebler leave the lucrative and delicious (lucralicious?) cookie business to pursue militia-based activities?!

The Keebler Elves, as we all know, "bake their cookies the old-fashioned elfin way, in magic ovens in Hollow Tree. Filled with scrumptious smells and alive with the industry of baking, the tree is the very hub of elfin activity." The elves also have a "creed":  "We pledge to pursue our goal of baking cookies, crackers, and snacks that are, by whatever measure one chooses to apply, Uncommonly Good."

Sounds like a backwoods cookie militia/bomb-making operation to me!

No other member of the Keebler Elf family could be reached for comment, and calls to Hollow Tree were not returned. However, O.H.M. has it on good authority that none of the other Keeblers endorse William's switch from baked goods to IED's.

It is unknown whether E.L. Fudge, scion and patriarch of the Keebler dynasty, or Ernie Keebler, E.L.'s heir apparent, will post the bail required to free William from jail pending trial, since the federal prison system insists on being paid in dollars, not M&Ms. 

Regardless of the outcome of the criminal case, however, our sources tell us that Mr. Fudge is likely to revoke Keebler's elfin cookie-making privileges for life, as elves who use the facilities at Hollow Tree to cook up illegal explosive devices tarnish the Keebler family's good name. 

Up until now, the Elves' only controversy has been undeclared peanut residue due to a flour supplier recall. Now we're talking nails, wires, and timers. Wow. This is a developing story. Check back for updates.


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