Now would I personally have anal sex in a dungeon dressed like the Mets baseball mascot after dunking my boyfriend's balls in rainbow sprinkles and butterscotch sauce? No, no I would not. But hey. It's all good, and so it is too with "adult breastfeeding."
The Atlanta couple pictured below made the highly reputable New York Post (via the equally reputable British Sun) this week when Jennifer Mulford took time off work so she could "dry feed" her boyfriend, Brad Leeson, every two hours in order to trick her body into making milk sufficient to develop an "adult breastfeeding relationship" with him.
Jennifer, who hasn't nursed another human since having babies 20 years ago, read about "ABR" online (it's common enough to have its own acronym I guess) and was supes jelly of the "magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve" between two people.
Fortunately, Brad, Jen's now-rekindled high school flame, was down like a clown Charlie Brown for some grownup colostrum guzzling (and international reporting on it), in lieu of more conventional magical bonding activities like a drive to Vermont for some autumn leaf-peeping or a ride on a Ferris wheel.
As I said, in terms of weird fetishes, it's do what you need/want to do from my standpoint. Nonetheless, I have some questions for Jen and Brad:
1. Will you be registering at Target for a new breast pump and a Boppy?
2. Will Brad cry to wake you up in the middle of the night, or will he just roll over and latch on, which brings me to my next question:
3. Will you co-sleep, or is Brad going to be in a Pack n' Play next to your bed?
4. If Brad's latch isn't strong enough, will you call in a lactation consultant?
5. What position will you use: cradle position, football, or side-lying down, and will you burp him over your shoulder afterwards?
6. If you're out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, say, will you feel comfortable feeding Brad at the table, or will you take him to the bathroom to do it? Or maybe just put a blanket over his head?
7. Do you plan to move him over to the bottle at any point, or is this straight-up nipple only?
8. If you have sore nipples or get mastitis or thrush, who will call the pediatrician: you or Brad?
9. After you go back to work, will your employer let you nurse Brad there, or will you maybe have to file a lawsuit?
10. Will Brad actually drink and swallow the milk, and if he does, will he squirt out spicy brown mustard-colored/textured poo into a diaper?
So many questions. So. Many. Questions.