Thursday, June 30, 2016

Your Baby Will Be a Teenage Runaway Unless You Wrap Him Up in a Giant Tangled Mess of a Sheet and Attach That Whole Fucking Enchilada to Your Body

Remember yesterday when I promised you that next week, I'd tell you all about why wearing your baby tied to your body in a giant tangled mess of sheet that you can neither put on OR take off without throwing an adult tantrum is the only way to make sure he won't become a teenage runaway? 

Well, next week turned out to be tomorrow, and tomorrow is now today. So here we are. 

And today I'm here to tell you what Mayim Bialik from Blossom already knows: you need to wrap your baby up in a sheet and lash him to your body like a mainsail to the mast of a mighty ship, UNLESS you want him to grow up and whore himself out at a truck stop for donuts and rides to the next town where he can find a $10/hour job washing dishes at a gross sticky diner that serves hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese for dinner like that's normal. 

Bonus: if you tie him to your body facing out, he will look like Kuato in Total Recall or a half-formed twin that's secretly been living in your chest cavity for your entire life, but no one ever knew about it up until this whole sheet thing started.

Anyhoo, just because it takes you 45 minutes to untangle your iPhone headphones every single time you want to take Queen Bey out for a run in the nabe doesn't mean it won't be so super easy to peacefully wrap your sweet, sleeping, delicious-smelling baby up in a large piece of cloth and attach him to your body without either of you shedding a single tear in the process!

For it couldn't be easier to take a large, rectangular piece of random fabric vaguely resembling a sheet, lay it out on your bed, and stare at it quizzically for awhile from many different angles as you ask yourself how this is possibly supposed to work. 

As your baby blinks up at you with a confused and mildly concerned expression on his face, lie him down on top of the sheet and start folding random pieces of it around him origami style. You're a self-sufficient mama, so don't ask anyone nearby for help as you hoist one flap of cloth over the other in no particular order, lift your kid up like a sack of flour, herniate a disc in your lower back, and tie parts of the sheet in a giant knot around your neck and waist right as your baby shits up his onesie with a gallon of Gray Popuon that necessitates starting the whole process over again.

But it's totally worth it, because there's all this research that says if you DON'T put your baby in a giant tangled mess of a sheet and attach him to your body 24/7, he will grow up to be a teenage runaway. They now know that in caveman times, this is how the Neanderthal women carried their babies but obvi they used a deer hide instead of a sheet, and it was supes convenient because they could walk around collecting berries and making cave paintings totes hands free! Plus, none of their kids EVER ran away from home. Or cave. 


The point is, if you don't want YOUR baby to grow up to be a teenage runaway who screams "I HATE YOU BITCH!," steals all the money out of your purse, drops out of tenth grade, gets addicted to meth, and then administers anonymous blow jobs in a bus station bathroom in the depressed rust belt of rural Ohio just to scrape up a few more dollars for even more meth, you will wrap him in a sheet as I have described above.

Or you could just put him in a stroller and take your chances, but don't say I didn't warn you.


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