Incompetent or Asshole: Pick a Lane

So here's something. If you're going to adult in this world, you can't be incompetent AND an asshole. You can't be both. You have to pick a lane. 

This is my general philosophy at work, in volunteerism, at parent-teacher functions, and in all adult settings. If you're going to be incompetent, you can't be a raging bitch. If you're going to be a raging bitch, then guess what? You'd better have the chops to back it up. Like you can't be a complete asshole AND ALSO totally incompetent.

These things are mutually exclusive, or they should be. Let's do a practice exercise:

ASSHOLE BUT COMPETENT (OKAY)

Me: Can you do this thing?
Asshole: Ugh fine.
Me: Thanks.
Asshole: Here it is, I hate you.
Me: Wow this looks great.
Asshole: Fuck you.
Me: Thanks!

INCOMPETENT BUT NICE (OKAY)

Me: Can you do this thing?
Incompetent Person: I don’t know how!
Me: Can you try?
Incompetent Person: I can try but it might suck.
Me: Wow you’re right this does suck.
Incompetent Person: So sorry!
Me: No worries.

ASSHOLE AND INCOMPETENT (NOT OKAY)

Me: Can you do this thing?
Incompetent Asshole: No.
Me: Please?
Incompetent Asshole: Fine here it is.
Me: Wow this is really bad actually.

Incompetent Asshole: Fuck you!
Me: Let’s not do this again.

The pick-a-lane theory of adulting is the most important doctrine after the 1/3 theory of mattresses, which holds that you need a great mattress because you spend a third of your life asleep or trying to be.