Thursday, March 22, 2018

Eating the Booty Like Groceries is Apparently Fully Mainstream and I Am Shook

A long-standing feature of O.H.M. has been to shine a light where darkness would otherwise cast its pall.

To that end, I’m now going to shine my brightness in the darkest of holes—the classic cavern where the sun don’t shine: the human anus. More specifically, the increased level of mainstream and regular attention that the human anus appears to be receiving in the bedroom.

For background context, I’m 40 and grew up in an age and culture where every sexual encounter was described in terms of baseball: first base (kissing); second base (touching boobs); “sloppy second,” (kissing boobs); third base (touching front-facing junk); and home base (self-explanatory).

The booty-hole was always there, of course, as it has been since humans evolved. But it didn’t have its own publicly-designated role in the process, as far as I was aware.

In other words, “eating booty” was not then (to my knowledge) a standardized element of the heterosexual bedroom repertoire. Sure, maybe there’d be the occasional messing around in that “area.” But if my twitter feed is any indication (and perhaps it’s not?), “eating the booty like groceries” is now a plain vanilla, standard-issue hookup element.

I find this jarring.

Not because the particular bacterial implications of this activity kind of gross me out, although they do. But more because the older I get, the more moments I have where I find myself asking myself “when did this (any “this”) become a thing?”

Like what was I doing when booty-eating fully took off as a trend? 

My guess would be it happened sometime between 2006 and now, but cultural demographers might beg to differ. I could have been breastfeeding babies or picking wet Cheerios off the wall by then, in which case “booty-eating” would’ve been just about the furthest thing from my mind.

If my marriage ever ends due to death or divorce, will I be equipped to re-enter the “workforce?” Regardless, will I overhear my young adult children complaining to their friends that the person they are dating lacks skills in this department?

I must say, it’s all very destabilizing to my sense of order, which I guess is pretty much 2018 in a nutshell. Or a butthole, as the case may be.

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