Sunday, November 27, 2016

Trump Presidency Invokes Little Known Emollients Clause

Much ink has been spilled in recent weeks about the potential constitutional breaches a Trump presidency might beget. 

Among them are threats to a free press, free speech, and the relatively obscure "emoluments clause," which ostensibly prevents an impulsive, rabid orange orangutan from turning the country into his own personal piggy bank and bottomless goodie bag of party favors. 

Until now, the emoluments clause had languished in relative obscurity, because never before in the 200 plus-year history of the Republic has a hollowed-out, animated decorative gourd been crouched and ready to take a giant steaming dump all over it.

Fortunately, the even less frequently analyzed "emollients clause" exists to offset Trump's naked attempts to transform the nation from a flawed democracy into a dystopian, gold-plated kleptocracy. 

Here's what it says:

Emollients Clause: "No person shall, without the provision of Vaseline, KY Jelly, lotions, or other greasy lubricating emollient fuck America really hard up the ass with bald-faced lies, incalculable greed, lack of experience, deficit of character, sociopathic tendencies, or vacuum of empathy. Nor shall such person tear the nation a gaping new asshole without sufficient emollients to mitigate the impact of such person's sixth grade vocabulary, impetuous and impulsive tweeting and mouth-running, pussy-grabbing, moral and financial bankruptcy, staggering megalomania, or generalized cruelty and incompetence.

Faced with the forthcoming and inevitable unlubricated misery of a Trump presidency, some states are "pushing" to amend the constitution to provide for life, liberty, and the pursuit of Jergens.


  1. Replies
    1. Says the guy who calls himself "tooth" and only comments anonymously. Mkay.

    2. Tooth be a tool of the oligarchy.

    3. Tooth be a tool for the oligarchy.

  2. OHM. Thanks for reporting on the latest developments regarding the Emollients clause. Surely there's a high court case in the making. Given the new understanding of the evils inherent in the global economy, there's could be trouble since Jergens is the product of an Asian corporation.

    Perhaps the amendment committee might consider replacing Jergens with STP. This could be important in the new era of strict judicial construction. Otherwise some nitpicking detail of consistency could be a barrier to progress. In the end, we'll an adequate degree of lubrication should be assured as a right not a privilege.

  3. saw this from a link on today's Bloom County strip. Brilliant.


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