Thursday, March 29, 2018

Come On, Baby. Why You Gotta Be Like That?: An Apology Tour by Mark Zuckerberg

Aw, baby. C’mon! Don’t be like that. You know I didn’t mean that shit. 

I’m just a bro. A short bro. A short bro with a $500 haircut. A short bro with a $500 haircut and a tight T-shirt. A short bro with a $500 haircut and a tight T-shirt standing in front of billions of users (including you, of course) asking you to love me. (You're my #17,999,908).

Or, not even love me, necessarily.

Really, I’m just asking you not to flee my very lucrative platform in droves just because I surreptitiously mined your data for more than a decade and conducted unauthorized, secret, totally unethical and reckless dystopian psychological experiments on you and harvested your personal information and preferences and made cosmetic nods to privacy while aiding and abetting information warfare and a silent coup on American democracy by a hostile foreign power, all to enrich myself to the tune of 61.3B USD.

I know I fucked up, believe me. And I promise to be a Better Man™ for you, because if I can’t, well, baby, you know I don’t deserve you. 

But also if you leave me I will still have your data. That’s not a threat. I’m just saying. It’s true and it’s a really hard thing to get around because I made it that way.

Also baby, be straight with me . . . you knew what you were getting into when you signed up for this. I mean, this is like, ME. This is literally what you signed up for. You read the fine print. You know what kind of man I am.

Not saying that makes it right, just saying it is what it is, like so much of life. I said we’d always be free. And we are. We ARE free, baby. Except you’re also kind of the product. In a good way. I think.

I just want us to move past this, ya know? I need you. Well . . . really I need your clicks and your pics and your preferences. 

See, I love you and I want to know every little thing about you. Like whether you prefer Bernie to Hillary or whether you like bald eagles or keep chickens or drink almond milk instead of regular cow’s milk in your coffee or are a woman in menopause or maybe a teenager thinking about trying out Thinx period panties so that I can sell all of that info to advertisers with pinpoint precision and make another 10B this year.

Please baby, don’t go away mad. Stick with me! I might be President someday! And I’m sorry not sorry.

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