Tuesday, March 27, 2018

The Lyle Lanley of Hypnosis is Coming to Juneau and He Wants to Snatch Your Dollars for Nothing

When I heard the ad multiple times on the radio, I just knew I HAD to cover it on O.H.M., no matter the blow-back.

On April 22, the “Mark Patrick Seminar” is coming to Juneau. Some guy named Mark Patrick* (*presenter might not actually be Mark Patrick, as you'll see below) wants to take a fistful of dollars out of the hands of Juneauties, and pretend to hypnotize them into being skinny and quitting smoking. 

The second I heard this I was just like, what the actual fuck?! Lyle Lanley from the Simpsons is trying to build a hypnosis monorail right here in Juneau!

So natch, I went down an internet rabbit hole to confirm my bias that this guy is a total scammer charlatan and that no one should pay him a fucking cent for anything. Rather, we should all disabuse him of the notion that he can just drop his racket on our little closed universe of a remote Alaskan hamlet, turn us upside down, and take our Carharts to the cleaners in a massive shakedown.

Let me just say I have no idea who is bringing this guy here and as usual I give precisely zero fucks re: who I offend RN, because this is some straight bullshit, and I think people should stay home and eat shrooms instead because that's just as likely to make you a skinny non-smoker.

Check it: 

The Mark Patrick Seminars™ website claims that Mark Patrick is going to hypnotize you into quitting smoking and losing weight. I’m sure if it were that simple, everyone would have a perfect BMI and their Camels would all be broken in half by now, but that’s not the case sooooooooo . . . as we say in Latin legalese, res ipsa loquitur (the thing speaks for itself). 

Consumer protection organization Truth in Advertising already did a brief muck-rake of sorts on this guy, and I encourage you to read it (it's short, link above), but the bottom line is the unsurprising conclusion that he is a bigger con artist than POTUS.

Here’s the fine print from the Mark Patrick website, which itself is amazeballs. I’ll give you my Official Legal Translation
 after the jump:
*$59.99 in Alaska and Hawaii. All Seminars brought to you by Mark Patrick Seminars & Associates LLC, Mark may not be the presenter at your seminar. Testimonial results from programs are based on individual effort and other factors. Such results are exceptional or atypical and are not to be expected by the average person using these programs or methods. No one has been paid for their testimonial. By signing up for seminar you are agreeing to receive electronic communications from us. © 2018 Mark Patrick Seminars & Associates LLC. All Rights Reserved
Official Legal Translation
There's a sucker born every minute, which is good news for our profit margin and ethically bankrupt people like us who prey on the vulnerable gullibility of folks who are at their wits’ end with life struggles. 
We will fleece you even harder if you don’t live in the contiguous 48 states. Our bullshit has been delegated in a pyramid scheme of bullshit peddlers, so you might get one of those guys, and not the actual bullshit Picasso who created this racket. 
Scientific evidence that you can be hypnotized into shedding all your bad habits is specious at best, and even if there is a single shred of legitimacy to this idea, this scam is not trafficking in that shred. 
The people who took this seminar and vouch for its efficacy are likely confusing correlation and causation. Actually benefiting from this program is unheard of and you should expect precisely nothing after giving us your money. Really, you’d do just as well going to a fortune teller on the Santa Monica pier. 
By registering for this seminar you are flushing money straight down the toilet, but you’ll get spam from us every day anyway. 
Yes, we incorporated this. Welcome to America.

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