Friday, March 30, 2018

If You Throw Shade at the Cadbury Creme Egg You are Dead to Me!

And that’s really all there is to it. I’m drawing a line in the sand here. Racism. Littering. Misogyny. Rejection of the Cadbury Creme Egg. These are friendship DEAL BREAKERS for me.

The world is made up of two kinds of people: (1) Those who love the Cadbury Creme Egg, and (2) Those who gag just looking at it. There’s no middle ground on this. No one is like, “Oh, Cadbury Creme eggs are just meh.” Or “I’m kind of indifferent to Cadbury Creme Eggs."


You're either with the Cadbury Creme Egg, or you're against it. Either you look at a Cadbury Creme Egg and throw up a little bit in your mouth, OR you want to be buried in Cadbury Creme Eggs when you die, and just retained a lawyer to make sure this stipulation is in your will. I've heard of this happening. Not that I've done it myself. I'm just saying it could happen.

I’m in the latter camp, and, frankly, simply do not understand those in the former. Easter/Passover is my favorite time of the year because Cadbury Creme Eggs! I have a whole process for eating them:

1. Pick off the foil (it's WAY better when none of the egg part has leaked out through the seam of the chocolate egg halves and the foil peels off easily).

2. Gently bite off the top narrow point of the chocolate egg, being careful not to crack the shell and make a mess.

3. Gaze into the delicious refined, processed, sugary white and yellow pretend white/yolk part and contemplate what exactly it is and how they do this like HOW DO THEY DO THIS HOW DO THEY GET THAT YELLOW PART INTO THE WHITE PART WHAT EVEN IS THIS I WANT TO GO TO THE FACTORY I WANT TO LIVE IN THE FACTORY I WANT TO DIE INSIDE A CADBURY CREME EGG.

4. Stick one pinky into the gooey egg part and swirl it around in there for no reason, lick pinky.

5. Abandon all discretion and shove the rest of the Cadbury Creme Egg into my mouth in one bite.

6. Sit with my shame. Like, really FEEL it, ya know?

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