Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Ugh I Want to Control the Weather So Fucking Badly!

I've heard a lot of anti-Semitic conspiracy theories in my life, especially since leaving NYC. But this week was the first time I heard that Jews control the weather, and my first thought was:


More than the media, more than the global banking industry, more than Hollywood, more than anything—I wish I could control the weather, AND, in one fell swoop, every old Jewish person who complains about it.

Now let me just take a brief detour here to point out that there is almost nothing—NOTHING—I can control. Here’s a brief and non-exhaustive list of things I can’t control but wish I could:

1. My kids.
2. My feels.
3. My weight/thiccness.
4. The sagginess of my twice-destroyed-by-babies titties and imminent career switch to a job at Jewish Hooters (Jewters)
5. Asshole lawyers.
6. Lost socks.
7. A 747 landing smoothly.
8. My anxiety, low-level depression, and persistent sense of nihilism and “meh.”
9. Trolls.
10. The lack of fresh basil readily available for purchase in Juneau.

But I’d trade the ability to control all of these things if it meant I could control the weather. 

Washington DC councilman Trayon White said that a freak spring snowstorm was “climate manipulation . . . based off the Rothschilds controlling the climate to create natural disasters they can pay for to own the cities, man.”

Like honestly, how amazing would this be?!

I don't know if it's just the Rothschilds or if lowbrow plebe Jews like me get to do this too, but the first thing I’d do with my Super Human Jew Powers is actually end climate change, because it sucks very hard, I’ll have you know.

Far from trying to perpetuate global warming in order to create a problem in search of a solution, I’d use my Jewy Weather Magic to reverse what the Gentiles at Exxon Mobil and B.P. have done to the planet. (WHERE ARE THEY IN THIS CONSPIRACY, BTW?!)

Then, I’d restore four normal seasons to America, just like there used to be in the good old 1960s. (Weather MAGA!) 

There’d be snow and polar ice caps in winter, a normal as opposed to debilitating level of heat and wildfire conflagrations in summer, crocuses in March not January, and fewer devastating tornadoes and hurricanes. Also, glaciers. All of which would help the airplane turbulence factor that goes back to #7 on the non-exhaustive list of things I can’t control but wish I could.

I’d also wake up every morning and Jew-Abracadabra up the perfect temperature, barometric pressure, and precipitation for whatever I was doing: Skiing? 25 degrees and fresh pow! Beach day? 75 and sunny with low humidity! 

Boom, bam, done.

No one would need meteorologists on TV anymore. There’d just be a daily check-in of What Weather Did the Jews Order Today. 

Speaking for myself, the day that Jews control the weather is a very happy day for me indeed.

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