Last week, I introduced the world to "Clutter Chic," also known as "Shit Hole Chic," the newest trend in interior design and home decor.
My streak of accidental trend setting continues, because I just unearthed a pair of cutoff jean shorts from 1994 only to learn that they were BACK on trend and on sale at Nordstrom! I just KNEW that if I waited long enough, all of my habits and styles would carousel back around and become fashionable again, or maybe even for the first time.
This is more impetus than ever not to change a thing about my life or habits, and just wait for the Kardashians and all of Hollywood to catch up with the following (in addition to Shit Hole Chic and the re-emergence of cutoff jean shorts):
1. Back Fat: Back fat is back, y'all. In a way it never really left. I love it when my bra digs into my back and makes like 100 little Pillsbury crescent rolls on my back. I especially love this when I have to testify in the legislature and I watch myself on Gavel to Gavel and can see all of the rolls while I'm talking.
2. Coffee Breath: No time to brush your teeth after that third cup of coffee before noon? NO PROBLEM. Coffee breath says "I am productive AF!"
3. Droopy Titties & Wrinkles: Gray hair is all the rage, in case you missed it. Even millennials are dying their hair gray! Well, now I'm bringing back chewed-up titties that go down to your waist and wrinkles. The anti-aging industrial complex is so misogynist 2016 repressive, and plastic surgery and Botox is soooo 80s. Time to own those saggy boobs and trench-deep forehead lines, fam!
4. Swipe/Delete/Unsubscribe/Archive: Just do this to everything. Texts, emails, whatever. Knowing information is so over. You'll be amazed at how little you actually need to know!
5. Crippling Anxiety: About what? Everything! From "Did I ever respond to that baby shower Evite" to "Why does that one guy on the internet hate me" to "Will Kim Jong-Un launch a missile through my living room window" are all great things to obsess about. It's totally on trend to be debilitated by anxiety!