Thursday, July 6, 2017

Vegan Baby Butthole-Gate is the Real Fake News You Need Right Now

I like to scour the interwebs for one reason: to bleach my readers' eyeballs with the choicest nuggets of deadass ridonkulousness I can find.

To that end, I'm pleased to deliver "Vegan Baby Butthole-Gate," a fresh-as-a-baby's-bottom new non-troversy brewing out of Memphis, TN. It all started with a bad Yelp review, and spiraled into a full-blown First World internet battle over babies, buttholes, and bulgar wheat.


BEEEEHOOOOOLLLD:






As you can see, the owners of Imagine Vegan Cafe could not give two dream-catchers full of Kombucha-sludge fucks if you don't like your organic alfalfa sprouts, carob chips, and nutritional yeast with a side of baby butthole, and I gotta say I'm on their side, because here's the thing my dudes: it's all about expectations.

Maybe I've lived in Juneau too long, where everyone's a doula, every baby shower is a blessingway, compost is an art form, and feral free range children with buns-to-the-sun is as common a sight as a raven eating toothpaste on a rainy sidewalk next to a little blue plastic bag of dog poop that no one ever came back for, thus (mostly) defeating the purpose of the baggie to begin with.


But I digress, because when you dine amongst hippies, one must be accepting of nudity. (One of these days, I will have the balls to paint glitter on my boobs and go somewhere in public, which is totally #hippielifegoals for me). It's a when-in-Rome type of a thing, is what I'm saying. 

Bottom line, if you want your tofurkey without naked baby ass, take your negative energy to the McDonald's Drive-Thru for some Grade-D beak and lip nuggets.

END OF DEBATE!

P.S. In response to reader feedback: No, you don't have to be a hippie to be vegan, but you need to be a hippie to run a vegan joint that also has naked baby butthole table service. Like I said, I'm basically down. Minus the E-Coli aspect.

2 comments:

  1. For some odd reason I think this is about the funniest thing you've written to date! Perhaps it's because I can visualize the whole of it; no pun intended..

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  2. The imagie butthole FB group is halirous.

    Best butthole in Memphis

    ReplyDelete