Sunday, July 16, 2017

May I Invite You to Facebook Messenger?

Good Evening Fine Sir or Madam!

It is my deepest honor to extend a very special invitation, made only to my closest, most treasured social media friends. 

Please know that I do not make this invitation lightly, although you could be forgiven for suffering under that particular delusion since all I had to do was click "invite" with my thumb next to your name when prompted.

I assure you though: you will NOT want to miss this. Surely you are in need of one more electronic distraction with a distinctive BING! that offers yet another excuse to stare at your phone feeling bad about yourself and society.

Along those lines, Facebook Messenger has a special feature where you can see who has seen your messages, so that when that person does not respond for several weeks, you can let yourself imagine every conceivable scenario as to why, ranging from innocuous neglect to sadistic ghosting. 

Your guess is as good as mine!

Only the most VI of VIPs receive an invite to Facebook Messenger. While the plebes seem content with mere texting, the true Brahmin participate in the most exclusive community on the internet, consisting of a mere several billion elite individuals.

I'm sorry for the delay in letting you know about Facebook Messenger, which undoubtedly you had not heard of or considered joining before I so graciously invited you. You see, Mark Zuckerberg himself must personally approve each and every new invitee to Facebook Messenger, and not everyone makes the cut.

I hope you'll accept this invitation and, upon confirmation that we are now connected by messenger, send me a sticker of a vomiting cartoon face or a GIF of Drake in ironic ugly glasses cheering at a basketball game.

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