Friday, July 28, 2017

Fuck! Now We Have to Win a War on Slugs?!

You guys. I am supes overwhelmed right now with the number of wars I need to win. 

There are all the big ones, like the war on drugs, the war on terror, and the war on poverty, all of which I think are best left to the experts who seem to be losing spectacularly on their own.

And in Alaska there are already a bunch of other wars, like the war on mold, the war on icy sidewalks, the war on shitty cell service and wifi, and of COURSE, the war on redeeming our reputation with the rest of America ever since the Palin-Discovery-Channel-Bridge-to-Nowhere PR shit storm. 

Fortunately, Lisa did us a solid this week in advancing that particular war with a few en fuego COME AT ME TRUMP AND ZINKE BRO chess moves, so we are doing okay on that front for now.

But now I see that we have to win a war on slugs?! This is just too much.

I mean, truly I hate slugs as much as the next guy or gal. But what is a slug, even? It's not an insect, right? Is it a mollusk? A bivalve? Just a snail without a shell? I'm not a slugologist for fuck's sake, nor do I intend on becoming one. This is a problem, because the first rule of war is KNOW YOUR ENEMY.

Which means that in order to "win the war against slugs" (which rhymes with drugs, so a lot of propaganda merch could easily be repurposed for the slug war) I'm going to need to do more than screech and gag violently when I touch one by mistake.

Do I even need to defeat slugs, though? Like I'm a shitty gardener as it is and I can't really blame the slugs. Mostly slugs and I exist in a delicate truce in which they eat the kale that isn't growing anyway, and I throw them as far as they will go the second one touches my skin while screaming like an idiot. (They've been around a lot longer than me so you kinda gotta respect their survival of the fittest skills).

Between Alaska's fiscal crisis, climate change, the declining supply and demand of oil, brain drain, and DC treating our congressional delegation like mafia hits, are slugs really the war we want to fight right now? Especially since they were around for eons before us and realistically will be here long after we extinguish ourselves from the face of the earth?

Welp, I guess you gotta start somewhere, right? Pass the salt, and vive la slug resistance!

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