Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Donald Trump and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Decision to Run for President

I went to sleep with my unsecured Android in my tiny hand and now there’s a tweet that says “covfefe” and when I got out of bed this morning CNN was broadcasting FAKE NEWS about me and by mistake I sat in the tanning bed too long and didn’t put enough hairspray in my toupee and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President.

At breakfast at the G20 summit Angela Merkel didn’t want to be seen with me and the whole world was laughing at us for pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord.

I think I’ll run away to Mar-a-Lago.

At the bottom of the stairs of Air Force One there was a giant limo I was supposed to walk right into, but instead I just wandered around on the tarmac until someone redirected me and it made me appear senile. Wait . . . am I senile? I said I could make bigly deals. I said I could build tremendous, beautiful walls and make Mexico pay for them. I said I was going to create JOBS JOBS JOBS out of dying industries. No one even answered and very few people believe me because I am a YOOGE liar.

I could tell it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President.

At work my inauguration crowd was bigger than Barack Obama’s even though the FAKE NEWS said it wasn't.

At lunchtime there was no KFC or taco bowls. At handshake time President Macron bested me at handshakes and Justin Trudeau is younger and more physically attractive than me and women love him. At bedtime I couldn’t fall asleep because Hannity didn’t come on yet. I could tell it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President.

I could tell because Don Junior conspired to commit treason and then tweeted out a confession in writing. His lawyers told him to be quiet but he wouldn’t. He’s a quality person, I told them. I hope the next time YOUR son commits treason with a hostile foreign power and tweets about it you have to pay for so many lawyers you go bankrupt and have to sell all of your hotel properties in Turkey and to make yourself feel better you call a meeting where you get two scoops of ice cream and everyone else gets one and your scoop falls on the floor and lands in Mar-a-Lago!

Climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese and no one believes me, I keep saying ObamaCare is imploding but really my entire administration is imploding and I’m starting to have difficulty with basic word recall.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President.

That’s what it was, because when I left the private sector to be the King of America they told me that actually I could no longer act with total impunity because this was the United States Constitution they were talking about. Take it up with the Supreme Court during expedited appeals next week, they said.

Next week, I said, I'm running away to Mar-a-Lago.

On the way out of the White House Melania slapped my hand away, I forgot Frederick Douglass was dead (even though I never knew he was alive in the first place), and then I started yelling at the TV because the news on NBC was a big nothing-burger. And while I was watching cable I remembered I had never released my tax returns.

I made a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President, I told everybody. No one even answered. Not even Steve Bannon.

So then I went to Bedminster to play golf and look at beautiful women. There were fives. There were twos. There was Rosie O’Donnell. But there were no tens. They were all too grossed out by me. They can make me look at a five, but they can't make me pee on one and ask Russia to tape it for future blackmail collateral.

Then speaking of tapes, I lied about the Comey tapes and I realized I forgot the Scotch tape for my extra-long tie back at Trump Tower, but by that time Ivanka was subbing in for me in a major international meeting again, the liberal elite media was hanging me out to dry, Pepe Nation was MIA, it turns out half my Twitter followers are Russian bots, and I lost the popular vote.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad decision to run for President.

There was rare steak for dinner and I only eat steak well-done. There was Rachel Maddow on TV and I hate Rachel Maddow.

My TRAVEL BAN is tied up in litigation, so is my Voter Integrity Commission, I can’t find my favorite red #MAGA hat, and I had to wear my too-small bathrobe. I hate my too-small bathrobe.

When I went to bed Melania was in a different zip code because she hates me and I lost my place in a six page board book and my mind started obsessing over all the germs I probably touched today. I can't believe Hillary Clinton and John Podesta basically got away with murder and here I am the subject of a WITCH HUNT! I am repellent to women and Melania wants to sleep with literally anyone else but me.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad decision to run for President.

Vladimir says some days are like that.

Even at Mar-a-Lago. SAD!

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