Thursday, July 13, 2017

Juneau-to-English Dictionary, A-Z

Amalga: A harbor and also a new place to get day-drunk.

Baranof: The Watergate of Juneau.

Capitol: A building so steeped in dysfunctional, bureaucratic mediocrity that it’s easy to believe it used to be a post office.

Douglas: A quaint bedroom community and theater enclave full of charming pubs, where the locals go to get away from it all.

Egan Drive: The place where you most often scream GAAAAAHHHHH! (See "G").

Facebook: A place you go to visit public community pages for local blocking-wars, social media drama, and to confirm that everyone had a better time on their boat in the sun this weekend than you did crying in your dark bedroom on dry land.

GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!: What you scream in your car every time a driver turtles out of their driveway, or refuses to take the right of way, or crawls up your ass as you’re parallel parking, or drives 35 mph in the left lane on Egan Drive.

Hell: Three straight weeks of rain with two kids under 10.

60 people who come to the Capitol each year to tromp about imperiously and flirt with their subordinates, while trying to convince their constituents that things will be different this time.

Jocular Sarcasm: Something that has proven incredibly difficult for an ex-pat New Yorker to communicate (See "I").

Klinkit: The 100% wrong way to spell Tlingit.

Libraries: A true local treasure.

Mold: A living, breathing, organism that will silently eat your house from the inside out until your biggest life investment is worthless.

Nissan Leaf: A giant, silent smartphone that will get you into a wrestling match with the drivers of 1,000 leaves over a power outlet.

Out the Road: A place you never feel like driving even though it’s not very far by normal American standards.

Projekt: How the cool kids spell “Project.”

Questioning Your Entire Life: What Juneauites do every August through November.

Rain Forest Farms: Intermittently available retail weed.

Sucker Hole: A quarter-sized swatch of blue sky that leads you to harbor the brief delusion that it will ever stop raining.

Taxes: Cheddar from cruise ship passengers that built a plank and a whale whose flipper is now permanently streaked with bald eagle shit. (I know, the whale was privately funded, so let me head that “actually” off at the pass).

Upper Nordic Loop: That part of Eaglecrest that you’re technically supposed to have a ski pass for, SHAME SHAME SHAME!

Violin: Something every child in Juneau is required to play for some fucking reason.

West Juneau:
A part of Douglas that isn’t called Douglas for no apparent reason.

X-Ray: Something you or someone in your family ends up getting six times each winter.

Yukon: The place that is so-close-yet so-far, and beneficently ruled by Woke Bae™ Justin Trudeau instead of maliciously raped and pillaged by hideous Donald Trump.

Zootz Alors: A cleverly named bongs n' dongs store with no weed, but don’t worry the weed is (sometimes) right next door (See “R”).


  1. As a Leaf owning West Juneauite... I can confirm the accuracy of the Juneau Leaf description and there is a very good reason it is called West Juneau. It is because if I say I live in/on Douglas near someone who lives in Douglas proper, they yell at me and make me correct myself. :)

  2. Of course, if u live in Sitka, 'C' stands for Costco, something that Juneauites take 4 granted, and that Sitkans visit rarely. An ashram to consumerism, the last time i pushed a monster cart down those hallowed aisles, i felt like Robin Williams in that movie where he plays a Soviet emigre; overwhelmed by the choices in an american super market, he faints on the spot.... see 'F' for 'fainting'... what happens to rural Alaskans when they visit the capital city.

  3. If you live in Skagway, B is for "Build the road" allowing us access to C, the magical mythical "Costco" (50-packs of toilet paper? FRESH organic veggies in giant plastic containers? The stuff of dreams.).


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