Monday, July 10, 2017

The Hippie Hair Gel Hunt

I always thought dudes who were into their hair were super cheesy. Even as a middle schooler, when boys spent hours arranging and flopping their Jason Priestley or Rob Lowe (yes, I'm old AF), it always made me barf inside a little. 

Part of it was an instinctive self-defensiveness. As a rule, guys with Rob Lowe hair were not into girls like me at all, so I developed a distaste for that cocky, pretty boy swagger before it could develop one for me. 

There was no way Chase Jordan was going to make me think his stupid blonde surfer floppy hair was Tiger Beat pinup material. (Yes, "Chase Jordan" was the actual name of the most popular kid in my elementary school class one year and no, he was not a villain from "My So-Called Life").

So imagine my dismay when I got home from work last week to discover that Isaac convinced his dad to give him a mohawk, found a can of hairspray, and was assiduously perfecting his hairstyle in the mirror while spraying his entire respiratory tract full of aerosolized carcinogenic chemicals.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" I asked him, forgetting that I had once bought hairspray for a Halloween costume and it was still lying around.

"Dude, that shit will give you cancer," I snapped. I yanked the can out of Isaac's hand and deposited it in the kitchen trash with a thud, over his strenuous objections. Honestly though, more than getting cancer, I was worried that he would become a douchebag.

"If you really want to put crap in your hair let me at least find some that won't give you a third testicle or something."

And so I went to Rainbow Foods the next day, where a super helpful person in the vitamin section went through every sketchy ingredient the products did not have, and still said egg yolks (whites?) were the best. 

Since there is no way I'm making my kid's breakfast and hairdo from the same bowl, I just bought something with only SOME of the bad shit and not ALL of the bad shit in it.

Hippie hair gel hunting for my 6 year-old son. That's where I'm at right now. 

I'll just let that one marinate for awhile, I guess.

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