Tuesday, July 18, 2017

The Green Parent Magazine Exists and Goodbye Cruel World

If you don't believe me, here's their website. The always-hilarious Gabriella Paiella over at New York Magazine's The Cut already tore this mag a righteous new asshole, but I can't help myself. I need to jump on the snark bandwagon too. 

You see, the very fact that U.K.-based The Green Parent parenting magazine exists makes me want to get the EVER-LOVING FUCK UP OFF THIS PLANET, Y'ALL!

There is sooooooooooooooo much to work with here, just on the cover alone, and it's not like I've seen any more, since I do not have now, nor will I ever have, the print edition. It's overwhelming, really. 

Like Where. Do. I. Start?  Deep breath. NAMASTE. I think the only way to approach this is to take every cover line one at a time and break it down to its true essence of punishing insufferable-ness. 

Let's take it from the top:

Share Joy!: This is so vague. What does this even mean? Like I feel joy when I find a crumpled up $20 in my ski pants that I didn't know was there. Am I supposed to share that with my kids? Doesn't that send like, a totally capitalist message or something?

Raising Kids With Conscience: I totally told both my kids Trump is a YOOOOGE asshole and that's as far as I got with this. Now they repeat it to anyone who will listen. This counts, right?

Win a Child's Bicycle: This is literally the only thing that makes sense on this entire cover.

Reignite the Passion: Ways to Heal Your Relationship: Ah, the old "re-ignite the passion advice." I can't tell you how to reignite passion, but I can tell you how to un-ignite it: eat a shitload of kale salad and Brussels sprouts while you're on your period. Works like a charm every time!

Awaken Joy: Raise Happy Children!: How is this different from "sharing" joy, exactly? Like what do I do to "awaken" it? And how do I put it back to sleep when it becomes annoying? For example, Fidget Spinners have awakened joy in my kids, but they've awakened profound irritation in me, so I'm ready to put my kids' joy back to sleep if it means my joy gets to wake up again. See the paradox?

Self-Sufficient Mother: "I Will Write Three Poems, Organize a Protest, Email the Prime Minister, and Do All Our Farm Chores.": OMG. Okay. Let me start with at least one poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, "self-sufficiency" is not Protest Brunch, Online Slacktivism, and cleaning up some chickens' poo. THE END, Emily Dickinson.

Share Your Heart's Calling: Start Your Own Blog: DERP. GUILTY AS CHARGED.

Bake Love: Satisfy Your Cake Craving!: The last time I tried to bake a cake, I mixed all the dry ingredients together by mistake and had to throw it all out and start over again. It was then that I realized the best way to satisfy my cake craving was to go to a store and buy a cake that someone else made.

How to Get Kids Into Comedy: Step 1: give them a subscription to The Green Parent.

Create a Love Nest:
 Here's what's in my love nest: Peed-in PJs, a sharp plastic sword, and a mini rubber basketball. I have a feeling that's not what's envisioned here.

Plant Medicine: Get the Best Night's Sleep: If they're not talking about bong hits before bed, I don't want to hear about it. If that's what they mean, BAM, already on it.

Inside: Free Guide to Natural Beauty: I hope this is a blank page, because natural beauty means NATURAL BEAUTY, right? I am so confused.

10 Reasons for Dads to Babywear: Okay, I got this. (1) Woke; (2) Bae; (3) Beard wax; (4) Kombucha (my friend's four year-old son literally said "MOMMY, OPEN THE KOMBUCHA!" at dinner last night, not kidding); (5) sanctimony; (6) craft beer; (7) maximum sleeve ink exposure; (8) daddy blog fodder; (9) dadsplaining opportunities; (10) make everyone who sees you want to punch you in the dick.


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