Monday, February 20, 2017

O.H.M. Movie Review: Frozen

Editor's Note: This is NOT a review of Disney's Frozen starring Princess Elsa and that insufferable animate snowman whose obvious and sole purpose was product tie-ins. As I said long ago, that bitch Elsa from Frozen can kiss my ass. Disney's Frozen was the bane of my existence for three years, since it coincided with Paige's princess phase. If I never hear "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" or "Let it Go" again, it will be too soon. Also, this review contains spoilers, obvi.

I didn't learn how to ski until I was 30, at which time I instantly recognized it was the highest you could ever get without drugs or alcohol coursing through your bloodstream. Now that I have sunk literally dozens of paychecks into hundreds of feet of sick pow, I also fully recognize that skiing is the most First World, bougie sport ever. Like, EVER. Anyone who loves skiing and gets defensive about this should admit that they are lying to themselves. 

Accordingly, if I or one of my kids dies snowboarding or skiing--which at the current rate, honestly, we probably will--we will have no one to blame but ourselves, since no one forced us to strap fiberglass boards to our feet and careen down a hill toward a Douglas fir at 60 mph for hundreds if not thousands of dollars in equipment and fees. 

Please make sure to point this out EXPLICITLY at my funeral, with an itemized invoice of exactly what my demise cost me in time and money. This is my dying wish.

Moving on.

Frozen was preposterously compelling and compellingly preposterous. I'd only been skiing for a few years when I watched it, and it came out during that brief phase of low-budget "OMFG IMAGINE IF THIS HAPPENED" horror movies like Open Water and that other one where a surfer gets stuck on a rock with a shark circling around her for 120 minutes. It was one of those films where you basically spend the exact same amount of time watching the people go through this horrible "OMFG IMAGINE IF THIS HAPPENED" ordeal as they do actually experiencing it. 

So Frozen was a little boring, but it was also laughable and creepy, and the whole time I watched it I was ping-ponging back and forth between "OMFG IMAGINE IF THIS HAPPENED" and "THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING RIDONKS PREMISE FOR A MOVIE EVER."

Due to a highly improbable mixup, a trio of mid-20s pals (two bros and a damsel in distress) get stuck on a chairlift late on a Friday afternoon when the New England ski resort they're in is about to close down for a week due to an impending storm. 

I won't go so far as to say this has NEVER happened, because the second I do, someone will school me with a smug-ass I TOLD YA SO link of a real news story where this happened. All I'm saying is it seems highly improbable, and I am guessing that MOST ski areas have better failsafes in place to avoid such situations than two stoners giving the all-clear over a walkie-talkie.

Anyhow, these three yahoos who just HAD to get one last run in get stuck on a chair high above a mountain, and realize pretty quickly they are fucked AF. It's freezing cold, the girl pees her pants, and finally one of the dudes decides to jump down off the chairlift to get help, because he realizes that if he doesn't, they'll be there for a week and die of frostbite. Sadly, the second he jumps down from the chair, he promptly breaks both his legs, and the blood from his injuries attracts a pack of roving wolves who begin to eat him alive.


Again, I am not going to go so far as to say there are NO packs of wild roving wolves left in New England. Because once again, the second I do that, some wildlife biologist will try to preacher-teacher/father-figure me by linking to a study about a pack of wild roving wolves near a ski area in New England. All I'm saying is that a pack of wild roving wolves in a highly-populated ski area--which then arrives en masse to feast upon the blood of the compound-fractured--appears unlikely at best. 

The girl and the one dude who's left watch the girl's boyfriend get mauled and then wake up the next morning, when the other dude tries to climb around above the chairlift and disappears somehow. Then the girl finally jumps down and slides on her ass to safety while avoiding the wolves who are still gnawing on her boyfriend's carcass.

The best part of the movie is when she makes it out to the road and hitchhikes to safety. The redeeming part being, of course, that the worst skier and only woman in the group is somehow the only one to survive.

I give this movie four out of five poop emojis. Stream it today!

1 comment:

  1. Does no one think to carry a cell phone when they snowboard so they can, you know, snapchat while shredding? good god people -- Also, would have been nice to hear one of them yell "let it go" to the other guy hanging on ... just saying.


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