Monday, February 6, 2017

These Clorox Disinfecting Wipes Probably Cause Cancer and are Killing the Planet but My Kid is at School Today so IDGAF

OMG. How did we ever live without these?! It's like I don't even remember what it was like to wipe down a counter with soapy water and a dish rag. I think the last time I did THAT I was talking on a rotary wall phone in my parents' kitchen.

I know, I know. 

I've so-called "read" the so-called "studies" and even have this one friend who's a so-called "epidemiologist," and has an entire company dedicated to eliminating so-called "toxic" cleaning products from your house, but that seems like waaaaaay too much work and seriously? 

These wipes are LIT AF!

What's a little maybe-cancer somewhere down the line? By the time it shows up, it'll probably be in my grandkid's colon or something, and will be curable anyway. And even if not, I can blame it on Not Clorox Disinfecting Wipes, if I'm even alive by then, which is like, a BIG if.


The bottom line is, unless and until I can 3D-print my own full-time free nanny and hippie cleaners actually work and don't cost half my paycheck, it's Clorox Disinfecting Wipes for me! 

My kids can't afford to get sick and miss school, not because they can't miss a day of school in kindergarten and third grade, but because I refuse to waste precious vacation days on minor illnesses and trips to the pediatrician when I'm saving all that time and money to go to Hawaii.

I do realize (with no small amount of irony, of course) that these Clorox Disinfecting Wipes are probably choking sea turtles and bringing the planet to a full-roiling boil that will ultimately drown much of the Hawaiian archipelago anyway, buuuuuuut....

Like, I reeeeeeallly need my kids to not get sick RN. Know what I'm saying? 

The definitive flu right now is so much worse than maybe-cancer later! And there are also sooooo many other things besides Clorox Disinfecting Wipes that are killing the planet and maybe cause cancer, right?

I mean there's Fabreeze--which I DID throw out because come on, I'm not a MONSTER--and there's something else too, wait, I'm sure I'll think of it. It wasn't any of my dope MAC makeup, that I can tell you. Come back to me on this one, K?

Also there are worse things for the planet, like individually-wrapped hummus from Costco and two dozen cans of lime-flavored LaCroix, both of which let's face it are supes convenient for school lunches and good methadone for a Diet Coke addiction, but I'm not saying I wouldn't consider giving those up for the future of humanity. 

I might.

For now though my kids CANNOT get sick and Clorox Disinfecting Wipes are the only line of defense standing between me and insufficient time and money to go on vacation.


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