Wednesday, February 22, 2017

I'm Staking a Firm Position in the Snuggie Trade Wars

Amidst recent talk of trade sanctions, Chinese manufacturing, and outsourced jobs, I'm honored to be a member of the noble profession that was involved in resolving a matter of great import: 

Whether a Snuggie--the as-seen-on-TV blanket with sleeves--is technically a blanket or a "priestly robe"/"vestment." 

Ultimately, the federal trade court tasked with this critical decision came down on the side of blanket, rejecting the Justice Department's argument that Snuggies are apparel and thus should be subject to a higher tariff than blankets. 

The judge was apparently unmoved by the Snuggie's sleeves, and more persuaded by the lack of a closure in the back of the Snuggie. Bottom line holding of this case: sleeves alone do not a priestly robe or vestment make.

There was no word whether the judge recused him or herself for wearing the equivalent of a Snuggie every day on the bench, but in so ruling, the court added to a canon of storied jurisprudence that includes "Spork: Spoon or Fork;" "Dijonnaise: Mayo or Mustard;" and "Bromance: Bros or Romance."

While I don't necessarily disagree with the decision, I do believe that Snuggies are worthy of their own religion, and if I were a God-fearing man or woman (as the case may be), I would don this leopard print Snuggie as my priestly robe or vestment, and abide by the following ten commandments: 

1. Thou shall have no other blankets before Snuggie.

2. Thou shall not watch American Idol in a Snuggie, or really at all because that show sucks.

3. Thou shall not take the name of the LORD of the Rings in vain while streaming all three of those movies in a row, on the couch, while wearing a Snuggie.

4. Remember Super Bowl Sunday and keep it holy.

5. Honor thy Mother and Father while lying on the couch in a Snuggie, putting them on mute, and watching RHONY until they scream your name to make sure you were really listening, which you were not--not even a little bit.

6. Thou shall not kill, not even for a Snuggie. Especially not for a Snuggie.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery and leave behind a Snuggie, because that shit is conspicuous.

8. Thou shall not steal someone else's Snuggie, even if it is a leopard print Snuggie which is cooler than most.

9. Thou shall not bear false witness by saying that a Snuggie is better than a regular blanket because the reality is no one needs a blanket with sleeves and Snuggies are dumber than shit.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Snuggie, which again is not very hard because no one wants a Snuggie as I found out the hard way after my husband bought me one as a joke this one time.

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