Friday, February 17, 2017

Scientists Resurrecting Wooly Mammoth in Order to Stampede Over Trump's Unsecured Galaxy Note 7

This week, the Guardian reported that researchers at Harvard are on the verge of "de-extincting" the wooly mammoth. But until today, they've been coy about the true purpose behind this feat of genetic engineering.

Now, the lead researcher on the study concedes that the top-secret project was aimed all along at destroying President Trump's unsecured Galaxy Note 7, so that he can no longer shart out erratic tweets at 3:00 a.m. about how the FAKE MEDIA is "the enemy of the American People," announce red-meat campaign rallies during his so-called presidency like a literal dictator, or quote Oxy-gobling hobgoblin Rush Limbaugh as an authority for anything except pills, whisky, and pizza.

"Up until now, we've utterly failed at using DNA splicing to resurrect a prehistoric creature capable of destroying Trump's smartphone," said Dr. David Sampson, lead author on the study. "We tried T-Rex, the Saber Toothed Tiger, and even the Giant Sloth. Not one of them could even make a dent in the screen. So really, the wooly mammoth with its enormous curved tusks is our last best hope."

Asked about future research, Dr. Sampson was frank. "What we'd like to do next is to splice DNA from Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Eleanor Roosevelt so that we can grow a decent President in a Petri dish before the current one blasts us all back to before the Big Bang."

When asked about this project, White House spokespeople stated it was pulling all funding for "science shmience," pointing out that the pre-Big Bang era was the good old days anyway and it was high time to Make the Universe Not Exist Again.


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