Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Feminist AF, Nervous Breakdown, or Both? 5 Edgy Hairstyles that Will Keep Everyone Guessing

These days, it's more important than ever to rock a hairstyle that tells the world you're feminist AF, while also freely admitting that you're having a TINY bit of a nervous breakdown right now for what is objectively probably a very good reason.

That's why O.H.M. style editors are bringing you 5 edgy, DIY, feminist AF hairstyles that will keep everyone guessing: Is she feminist AF, just needing to check into "rehab" for "exhaustion," or both?

Look # 1: The Blunt Bang
A blunt bang goes great with a "woman's place is in the house and senate" babydoll ringer tee, a "get your laws off my body" protest sign, and hairy armpits. Even the name--BLUNT BANG--says "do not come for me, bitch." Yet the severe, high cut of this bang can also sometimes make you look like an understudy on the set of Dumb and Dumber and/or like you are deadass off your meds, which is fine.

Get the look!: Grab a poultry shears from the knife block on your kitchen counter in one hand and a big clump of the front of your hair in the other. Stick the hair clump in a doorway like that scene in Sixteen Candles where Jake's drunk girlfriend's even-drunker BFF frees her from a door by sawing off a giant section of her hair. It's hip, retro, and oh-so-easy! Quickly tousle the rest of your hair to create an aura of mystique around your sanity.

Look #2: The Modified Pixie

Short hair don't care, amirite? This look is feminist as alllll the fucks because it automatically self-selects for woke dick. When was the last time you saw a Rutgers varsity lacrosse player dating a girl with a pixie cut? Never! At the same time, this perky 'do also implies maybe you're done with dick altogether, (which would be smart), or that maybe you're about to quit your barista job to go on the road with the #resistance, paycheck be damned!

Get the look!: Select a sharp knife (again from the knife block) and begin vigorously hacking large swatches of your hair off at random. Take a buzzer to the back and don't quit until the tiny hairs all over your neck and collar bone become unbearable. This look is best achieved in a gas station bathroom with a stained and broken mirror while your getaway ride idles outside in a pickup truck full of all your remaining earthly belongings, at least those you didn't throw off that bridge yesterday.

Look #3: The Never-Cut

If you're able to pull off this look, you already don't give a fuck and haven't since birth! The never-cut says "I love Renaissance and Goth cosplay, I don't care if my bathtub drain is clogged beyond repair with my soapy black hair-ferrets, and I will have a built-in cloak for warmth and protection after the mushroom cloud comes. It also makes people stop and go, hmmm . . . I wonder why she never cuts her hair? Does she have 800 cats? Does she love Rapunzel? Maybe she's having a lifelong nervous breakdown of some kind? The never-cut really keeps 'em guessing!

Get the look!: Never let a scissors near your head again, no matter what, from now until you die. Cradle to grave, baby. You do you.

Look #4: The Cue Ball

Sinead O'Connor pioneered and perfected this look in the early 90s, followed by Britney Spears in the mid-aughts, succeeded shortly thereafter by Natalie Portman--suggesting you kind of need to look like a model and be a little mentally unstable to fully achieve this look. Regardless, the shaved head cue ball is guaranteed to make peeps be like, Is she making some sort of a "statement?" Is she going through chemo or donating to Locks for Love? Did she just get fired and/or divorced? Or is she just low-key over everything to the point that her very last fuck is now being swept up off the lineoleom into a dustpan?

Get the look!: Put on Ani DiFranco's Living in Clip, crank up the volume to 10, and start buzzing your hair off while laughing maniacally and screaming "FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!!" until your neighbors call the cops, and people who are taller than you can see their conformist reflections in your head.

Look #5: The Half-Shaved Head

This versatile look is perfect for the feminist who wants it both ways. Flipped up, the trendy half-shave says "I'm not afraid to shave half of my head, and now I dare you to ask me if I have a clit piercing." Worn down, however, you can still infiltrate oppressive, patriarchal systems with the gender-conforming second half of your head, without anyone being able to tell that you're actually giving conformity the middle finger by shaving the first half.

Get the look!: This one couldn't be easier. Lock yourself in your bedroom with an electric razor. Part your hair in the middle and choose one side to shave off completely (preferably your "good selfie" side). Work quickly in case you change your mind halfway up that flagpole. If you're feeling really bold, you can tattoo an inspirational Buddhist quote of some kind on your exposed scalp.

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