Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Conversation With the Pygmy Slow Loris

It seems like every day, the news gets more depressing. Or at least it does if you're an immigrant, a Jew, a Muslim, a woman, a person of color, LGBTQ, and/or a leftist libtard snowflake. 

Since I'm at least two of these, I've decided it's time for O.H.M. to profile the Pygmy Slow Loris.

We caught up with one PSL named "Lori" in her habitat deep in Vietnam's Mekong Delta, to find out how she's coping with life after Trump, who she's interested in mating with this season, and what it's REALLY like to be the cutest mammal in evolutionary history. 

Following is a verbatim transcript of our exclusive interview with Lori. As POTUS would say, Enjoy!

O.H.M.: Thanks for taking the time to meet with us! I know you're usually asleep during the day and prowling through the jungle canopy for ants and small fauna at night, so we really appreciate your taking time out of your busy foraging schedule.

Lori: No problem, I actually just turned 16 months yesterday, which means I'm now sexually mature and ready to mate during the summer fertile season after putting out a few urine scent markings, so I'm not getting much sleep lately anyway.

O.H.M.: So let's get right to it. How are YOU dealing with the election of Donald Trump?

Lori: To be honest, I don't pay much attention to primate politics. Or really any politics. I mean, I'm just a tiny, adorable, arboreal, nocturnal primate who spends all day asleep in the jungles of Southeast Asia and all night foraging for bugs and berries and stuff. I guess you could say I feel vulnerable, since that's my listing on the Endangered Species List. But no more vulnerable, certainly, than during the Vietnam War (a.k.a. the War of American Aggression) when my great-great-great-great grandparents' habitat was decimated by extensive burning and defoliation. Wait . . . who's Donald Trump?

O.H.M.:  Do you realize how cute you are? I mean, how do you feel about the fact that pictures of you on the internet are but a small glimmer of joy and pleasant distraction in an otherwise endlessly bleak electronic hellscape and human cesspool?

Lori: [Laughing]: I mean, I get that a lot. People say it's the giant eyes. Also the tiny hands. And the fuzz. Also the very small size. And how I grab onto a pink highlighter. And how I eat grass out of someone's hand. So yeah, I've heard that before.

O.H.M.: Okay, I think we can all agree the world could use more of you, notwithstanding your venomous bite--so tell our readers what they REALLY want to know: is there a special sexually-mature male in your life?

Lori: Well, not yet. I mean, I'm sniffing out a few familiar males (their consistent scent makes it clear they can defend their territory), and I'm mildly aggressive while I'm in estrus, which is basically now. So if I had to guess, I'd say I'll be a mom by the time I turn two.

O.H.M.: Well, hopefully we humans won't drop a nuclear bomb on your last remaining habitat and we'll get to see your babies someday! If they're anywhere near as adorable as you, we're in for a ton of great memes and shares on Bored Panda!


  1. I'm absolutely in love with primates!

  2. I learned something, or someone new (as it were) and loved it!


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