Friday, October 24, 2014

That Bitch Elsa From "Frozen" Can Kiss My Ass

Prior to the fall of 2013, I had good associations with the name Elsa. I had a kindly British gardener great-aunt named Elsa. One of my very best childhood friends who lived on Cape Cod was named Elsa. But then that bitch Elsa from Disney's "Frozen" came along, and the name Elsa was suddenly defiled. Especially because almost a year later, Paige is still insisting on dressing up as Elsa from "Frozen" for Halloween. 

What did this entail? Well, let me tell you. It entailed spending money that would've been better spent on virtually anything ordering an Elsa dress from Amazon. Once that was a fait accompli, Amazon kindly suggested the purchase of an Elsa wig closely resembling an albino beaver who's just been shot in the ass by a hair comb. If you think that was the end though, you'd be sorely mistaken. Of course, the dress is a total piece of unadulterated shit which promptly dropped three inches of light blue glitter all over our dark brown couch. When Paige put the albino beaver on her head, she discovered it was way too small and that the hair comb was falling off the beaver's ass. She pitched an enormous fit, the end result of which was me frantically tearing apart a trunk of dress-up clothes to unearth a spare tiara. Her spaz-out was somewhat ironic, too, because just a few months ago she'd claimed that "Frozen" was "starting to lose its grip." 

But ... Yay. We were finally ready to go to the Halloween dress-up carnival fundraiser at her school. The moment we arrived, I lost her amid a sea of Elsas. The place was rolling like sixty Elsas deep, and the first thing Paige wanted to do was get her face painted like Elsa and compare Elsa costumes with all the other Elsas. At that point, I knew I'd suffered a serious lapse in judgment by not drinking heavily ahead of time. And I immediately knew what I had to do: start an adult version of Halloween, where all parents of 5-7 year old girls corral them in a school gymnasium to jump in a bouncy house, compare Elsa costumes, and screech "Let it Go" while the adults go trick-or-treating at each other's homes for whiskey and beer...






No comments:

Post a Comment