Monday, June 20, 2016

Alaska State Capitol Building Dressed in Black to Mourn Lack of Legislative Progress

JUNEAU, ALASKA

The Alaska State Capitol Building was dressed in black today to mourn the end of a special session that failed to resolve the State's $3.2 billion deficit, and will bring yet another special session to the state's capital this July. 

After killing several pieces of legislation meant to salvage Alaska's battered economy, the Legislature felt the least it could do was honor the deaths of these bills in particular--and of a cooperative and functional government in general--by draping a giant sheet of black mesh over the front of the Capitol Building from roof to floor, and wrapping the marble columns adorning its entryway in enormous black contractor bags.

One lawmaker, who spoke to O.H.M. on the condition of anonymity as they were not authorized to speak for the entire body, said it was the least they could do. "I mean, we couldn't manage to come together to pull Alaska up out of the fiscal shitter," the legislator said. "So we thought we should at least acknowledge the sadness of that fact with a superficial but grandiose gesture of mourning."

Though some legislators have called the legislative branch's failure to perform its basic functions "professionally embarrassing," others hope the public will see that lawmakers are just as sad as they are. 

According to our secret source, "adorning the whole building in black says to the People of Alaska, 'We are with you. Yes, we can't do our jobs. But it makes us cry, same as you.'" The source added that a ceremony will take place later this week at which Johnny Cash's "The Man in Black" is played over loudspeakers on the Capitol steps, and a solemn eulogy is read for effective statesmanship.

Some have suggested the black mesh is simply a feature of ongoing construction on the Capitol Building, and any link to grief over legislative inaction is pure coincidence.

A likely story.


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