Thursday, June 30, 2016

Achtung Bitches! If This Man is Not Your Plan B You're Doing it Wrong!

Ladies: It's always important to have a Plan B in life. Am I right? And I'm not talking about birth control. I'm talking about that Knight in Shining Armor who's going to sweep you off your feet, ride you off into the sunset after long walks on the beach, and take care of you for the rest of your natural days until death do you part--an eventuality that could arrive sooner than you think if you plan to answer this ad.

If you're single or your current relationship is shitting the bed, then look no further than Cobb County, Georgia, where a 53 year-old single white male posted this ad on Craig's List seeking a wife and/or girlfriend in exchange for free rent, food, and wifi!

Here are some highlights from the ad, as reported by KIRO 7 News in Atlanta:

The retired, self-described "touchy-feely" (YUM) and "witty" (obvi) concert-ticket salesman owns his 1967 brick ranch home free and clear. There you will live with him as his girlfriend "and possibly [his] wife later if you want."

If you want.

He is also going to pull a full-on Richard Gere/straight George Michael, and preacher-teacher/father-figure you into a 2009 Hyundai and some good credit: "If you do not have a vehicle we can find you a good used one. If you have no credit score we can build it pretty quick." He's already talking in terms of "we!" Such a team player/romantic. 

He also has "a pair of 2016 Atlanta Falcon season tickets AND 2017 season tix for both Falcons and Braves at their new stadiums!" And did he "mention [he has] all 8 HBO channels yet?!"

All 8?!? I mean, if he said he only had 7 I'd have to pass, but what woman can say no to ALL 8 HBO CHANNELS!?!??!

One catch: you cannot have "unresolved felonies," implying that if you're a convicted arsonist but served your time and met conditions of probation it's all good. And you "must be honest from day one" about "past issues." He wants to assure you that his criminal "record is clean except for traffic tickets and a V.K.O. [Violation of Knife Ordinance] citation in the 80's." 

What's good for the goose is good for the gander! Buuuut . . . Violation of Knife Ordinance? . . . that's arguably one of those things that makes you go "hmmm." Also, it should be noted that technically, a criminal record is only as good as the crimes you actually got caught committing. It won't reflect all those corpses you have buried out behind your woodshed that a CSI team hasn't unearthed yet. 

Doesn't this sound like a super promising relationship? There is NO better deal out there. "You'll have the whole front bathroom for yourself" and "not have to pay for rent, wifi, power, garbage service, or food!" He also enjoys "photography," which I can only assume is code for interwebs fetish porn. But at least you'll have that "whole front bathroom for yourself" to clean up in afterwards?

So the net-net here is this: You will be an enslaved pet/hooker with access to a roster of amenities that the assistant manager of any Red Roof Inn off I-90 would KILL to be able to advertise. Continental breakfast here we come!

And speeeeeeeeeeeaking of killing, don't worry about that nagging little voice in the back of your head that's telling you this guy is a protege of the BTK killer and a serial rapist who will tie you up to his hot basement boiler in twine from Home Depot and make you his sex slave in exchange for every season of Game of Thrones and Entourage streamed on demand. 

This Pretty Woman meets Deliverance set-up is any woman's DREAM! And since I just happen to be going to Atlanta for a wedding next week, the timing could not be more perfect. 

Don't be jelly, ya bitches! I call dibs!



Image: Craigslist

Image: Craigslist

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