Monday, February 9, 2015

If I Actually Said What I Was Thinking at a Wine Tasting ...

Wine-Pouring Dude [Sommelier? Something else? Wine-Pouring Dude? Yup. Close enough for jazz]: Good evening!

Me: Hi, how are you?


Wine-Pouring Dude: Just fine, thank you, ma'am. We have a lovely selection of …

Me: Wow, did you just call me ma'am? Do I really look that old? Holy FUCK. Now I'm a ma'am? When did I become a ma'am? Anyway, let me stop you right there. I'm SO sorry. I don't want to be rude. But the thing is I don’t really care and I'm not really listening to you and you're wasting your time on an unsophisticated person like me. Really I missed the boat on this whole wine thing--specifically the part of adulthood where everyone got into wine. Just ... ugh ... OK ... fine. Which one is cold? That’s the one I want. I want the cold one. And the not-sweet one. So I guess I want a “dry” white wine? Right?


Wine-Pouring Dude: Ah, yes. Allow me to offer you this subtle pinot blanc from the yada yada yada region of Tuscany. It has textures of pear and oak bark and a lovely finish with notes of ripe mushroom dust and a blossoming burst of blah blah blah...

Me: You're kind of cute. I like your tie. You're probably way too young for me though. Plus I'm married, hahaha. I see you are too? You have a wedding ring. How did you get into this, anyway? Anyway, you had me at "allow" and lost me three words later, at "offer." I’m confused about the etiquette here. Do I really have to stick my nose so far into this glass? And smell a piece of cork? What am I looking for here? I feel like a thirsty Labradoodle. I think I’m getting a headache. What am I supposed to do now, again? Am I supposed to swirl this around in the glass and stare at it from the top and the side? I'm looking at other people now to see what they're doing. Oh, OK. Now I need to swish this around in my mouth like Listerine at the dentist. God this feels so weird and pretentious. All I want to do is get drunk. Why do I have to do this whole elaborate ritual first?


Wine-Pouring Dude: So this one here, if you like reds, is a 1997 Sangiovese chocolate-noted desert wine with an earthy, leathery, flower from the yada yada yada region of South Africa with good legs and density …

Me: Wait ... why are we talking about legs again? Every time you say "legs" I think of Paul McCartney's ex-wife. The one with the prosthetic limb that he met at a land mines charity event and that took him for everything he was worth several years and one baby later. Yeah, that one. Please stop saying "legs." It's super distracting. It's knocking me off my game trying to follow this script ...


Wine-Pouring Dude: Wait ... you need to ... Allow me to …

Me: Oh whoops. Did I just mess up? Ack! Sorry! These red ones all taste the same to me more or less. Like they all basically taste like warm, sour, grape juice that reminds me of sitting through boring Jewish holidays. I wish this was all hard liquor so I could just get wasted more efficiently instead of with all of this pomp and circumstance and a bad headache and a hangover tomorrow...

Wine-Pouring Dude: Perhaps you'd like to try this very mellow Shiraz? It's quite harmonious, complex, and evolved, with high tannins and an edgy bitterness that ...

Me: Yeah, no thanks. I'm good. Can you just pour me a giant glass of cold, white, sour grape juice now? And can you fill that sucker up ALL the way to the top?  Like, not just two inches of mouthwash at the bottom? Keep going. Don't stop there. No, like ALL the way. Yeah, that's good. Thanks. When did everyone I know get so into this? Can I chase this down with a couple of Percocets and maybe a shot of Jameson? Do you have any of that stuff behind the bar back there? Like whiskey and/or pills? That would really help cement this buzz for me and make this night a lot more fun ...

Wine-Pouring Dude: Ah. In that case, you might enjoy this subtle, balanced, Riesling varietal with a floral aroma from the Rhone Valley of France and blah blah blah …

Me: Yeah, not really. Again I am truly so sorry. You need to understand that all of this is completely lost on me. I get that lots of people are into this and that I am obviously missing something major here. Like literally almost everyone I know is obsessed with wine to a greater or lesser degree and I even know people who do this for a living. And every time I go to someone's house I pick out a wine from the liquor store in the $15-25 range without knowing what I am doing at all because I feel rude not doing that. I know this whole routine and appreciating wine is a centuries-old art form. I get that. Seriously I'm not dissing it. But I just don't like wine too much? And feel like I most certainly must be missing something? God, I am so confused and alienated by this whole experience. Oh. And I'm also INCREDIBLY hungry and I can feel that headache coming on. So can I get some more goat cheese and crackers now? Awesome, thanks.

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