Sunday, September 25, 2016

Are Douches a Subset of Assholes, or the Other Way Around?

Are douches a subset of assholes? Or is it the other way around? This was a deep philosophical discussion I was having at dinner with a friend tonight.

The question arose in the context of what we silmutaneously concluded was the douchiest, most assholish sport in the world. 

Both being from the east coast, we shouted "LACROSSE!" in unison, and then high-fived each other amid peals of laughter, knowing in our common upbringing on the I-95 corridor that there is no greater douche than the common lacrosse bro. 

Or is it an asshole? AHA. Therein lies the rub.

Having played women's lacrosse myself (which is mostly full of bitches) and having attended many a collegiate lacrosse game, I feel well equipped to opine that truly, the sport of lacrosse is rife with douches and assholes.

But what's the difference? In lacrosse, or in life more generally? 

We ultimately concluded that all assholes are douches, but not all douches are assholes. That's because the average douche is characterized by a sort of benignly clueless lack of self awareness. One that doesn't necessarily include the nasty, sociopathic mean streak that's the hallmark of a true asshole.

In other words, you can be a douche without being an asshole. Douches can be sort of nice. But you can't be an asshole without also being a douche. A true asshole is really just a mean, nasty douche.

Take the people in this picture. They are quite obviously douches. I don't think that's debatable nor even judgmental. This outfit--if worn nonironically in a group photograph taken on some sort of a yacht--is irrefutable and direct evidence of douchebaggery. 

But you won't know for a fact that these douches are also assholes until you overhear them bragging about their stock portfolios and talking shit about fat chicks and people in the service industry.

And there you have it, folks. The Douche/Asshole Theorem is QED.


  1. Wait, an asshat would be a subset of asshole, and douchebag of douche? I see a new OHM graphic in there somewhere.

  2. I donno, all I see is dildos. No need to complicate with taxonomy.

  3. I'm just curious what your search term was to find this photo.


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