Monday, September 12, 2016

My Children's Winter Wardrobe Will Not Be Featuring These

An attentive reader and a fellow mom/friend sent me a pic of these "kids' touchscreen gloves and mittens," suggesting they might be good blog fodder. Well, to paraphrase Bob Marley in "Zimbabwe" off the 1979 album, "Survival," "mama you're right you're right you're right you're right you're sooooo right!" 

Granted, Bob Marley was probably singing in support of the Marxist–Leninist and Maoist guerillas fighting against the Rhodesian government in the 1964-1979 civil Bush War, (a.k.a. the Zimbabwe War of Liberation). But his lyrics apply with equal force to how sooooooooooo right my mom friend was that these gloves are blog-worthy.

Let's step back and make the following neutral observation about these gloves/mittens: we have now reached a juncture in the development of human civilization where it is possible/encouraged to purchase, at a large wholesale retailer, winter gloves for your child that are compatible with touchscreens. Now you can say that's a bad thing or you can say it's a good thing, but it's irrefutably a thing.

I'm the last mom to get sanctimonious about screens, mind you. Though we only let our kids have "screen time" on the weekends, at that point they more or less binge on cartoons and video games with impunity. Nine year-old Paige will eventually tire of this activity and move on to Shopkins-sorting or throwing glitter everywhere in the name of "art." However, left to his own devices, six year-old Isaac--overjoyed that his weekend screen time has finally arrived--will park himself on the couch, hunched over an iPad with headphones on his ears and his eyeballs bulging out of his glowing face for hours on end. I call his name, nothing. I ask him to put down the iPad, total fucking meltdown. It's a nightmare, and it's clearly doing terrible things to his brain, yet I lack the wherewithal to nix screens completely from his life. 

Why? Because I am lazy AF, and I want an electronic babysitter sometimes. Yes, I would be a much better mom if I made a pine cone bird house with him of a Sunday morn, instead of sleeping until 9:00 and mumbling at him through my pillow to pour himself a bowl of sugar cereal for breakfast. But I'm not, and to quote Bruce Hornsby (who by all objective measures is infinitely less cool than Bob Marley), that's just the way it is, some things will never change.

Still, I draw the line--I draw the fucking LINE--at these touchscreen compatible gloves. What situation is your child in where they ever really need these? Building a snow man and they need to post it to Instagram that second? Texting mom or dad from the bus stop in February? Okay, fine, but you can't just take off your regular gloves for five seconds to do those things? You need special touchscreen compatible gloves because your fingers cannot be made to stray from the touchscreen of your handheld device long enough to become slightly cold?

HELLS to the nah. These gloves are cray and there's no two ways about it.

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