Friday, September 16, 2016

This is a Great Idea . . .

Hear me out, America.

There's so much to be outraged about these days, amirite??

Big, yooooge, intractable problems. Like the fact that 3% of America has a sixth house on Nantucket and a personal assistant to book their massages while the other 97% is eating ketchup soup for dinner in a double-wide after a 12-hour shift at Denny's.

Major, serious problems. Like soldiers returning from war only to face a Byzantine bureaucracy maintained by the very government that sent them to die in a sand dune, but that can't seem to give them even two minutes of quality mental health treatment such that they're forced to live in a cardboard box in a public park until they die of exposure.

Important things. Like the fact that the only element currently known to support life is drowning the only planet known to support life, thanks to humanity's insatiable need to drive a Ford Explorer to Target to buy ten packages of paper plates and a new garden gnome.

Serious things. Like mothers nursing two month old infants on a toilet at work while they collect two thirds of their colleagues' salaries, and kids being routinely shot to death on the street.

So what to do, America?

The solution to all of this, obviously, is to redirect any outrage we might feel over things that actually matter and affect human life, and pivot it on over to insufficient levels of symbolic reverence for flags and songs.

See, if we just come together as one and pool all of our very legitimate grievances into sanctimonious piety and shocked indignance over the failure of professional athletes to demonstrate proper submission to flags and songs on television, we as a nation can begin to heal.

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