Thursday, September 15, 2016

5 Hot Beach Looks that Tell the World You're Hiding a Whole Mess of Pubes

Picture it: You're a grown-ass woman who lives in Alaska. It's September, and you've got a raging bush that you pretend you're not dealing with because you're a "feminist." The reality, though, is that you're just too cheap and lazy to wax it more than once a year.

What? Haha! No no no, this isn't ME. But if it sounds like YOU, you're in luck, because O.H.M. has curated 5 sexy swimsuits for your fall trip out of darkness on a PFD special (plus miles) to Kona. And the best part? You can rock all these looks without spending a single dollar or second to de-natch your snatch!

1. Breezy, flirty, and fun, this layered pink swim skirt will tell the whole beach that your pubes stop just above the knee! (Abs, titties, and Adobe Photoshop (TM) sold separately).

2. You don't even have to shave your treasure trail to look bangin' in this sizzling charcoal black two piece. It's the perfect look to advertise to the universe that your lady parts haven't seen the business end of a razor since last July!

3. Those 1930's moms were onto something! This retro vintage classic polka dot bikini is great for hot moms who want to feel on trend, but actually really need that high-waisted, low-lying bottom because they gave birth to two kids and their bush is the fucking Congo right now.

4. If you're brave enough to pull off this look, then everyone deserves to know it! They also deserve to know that you have no interest in pubic area maintenance, and wish to be mistaken for the captain of an Eastern European volleyball team, for some reason.

5. To rock this look, it helps if your body was created in two dimensions, kinda like a cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lopez. But even if it wasn't, you can still totally get away with trimming zero of your trim in this bouncy skirt that announces quite plainly to all who see it that Ferdinand Magellan would get irretrievably lost up in that shit.

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