Wednesday, September 7, 2016

"Creepy Clown" Menace is Actually Just Trump's Carolinas Ground Game

This week's reports of creepy clowns lurking on the edge of the forest and luring kids into the woods of North and South Carolina are driving chilling spikes of fear into the hearts and minds of families inhabiting these two conservative Southern states, both of which are considered potential battlegrounds in the 2016 presidential election. 

Children in both states have reported sightings of adults dressed in clown costumes stalking children and attempting to coax them into the darkened woods with money and candy, but police so far have been unable to substantiate these reports.

Now, O.H.M. has done what law enforcement could not. It reached out for an exclusive interview with Pennywise, the evil clown from Stephen King's blockbuster 1986 bestseller "It," who confirms that he's been hired on as Trump's "youth vote czar" to run the Trump campaign's "ground game" in these highly competitive and electorally valuable states.

Pennywise met Trump in the 80's, when the two collaborated as co-investors on an elaborate sewer project near Derry, Maine, and he's now re-emerged to take on a prominent role in Trump's get-out-the-youth-vote effort.

"We realize that Trump isn't very popular with kids," Pennywise conceded to O.H.M. "That's why we're bribing them with money, treats, and balloons. And if they don't come with us, well, we'll probably just grind them up into meat and eat them in a taco bowl so that they can't vote for Clinton."

When told that the U.S. voting age was 18, Pennywise looked surprised and simply said he'd be back in three decades, when he was next scheduled to reawaken and feed.

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